It feels strange to be back here writing something again. I haven't written anything since my mom passed away because I've been dealing with a lot internally and I think it's finally time to try and externalize some of it.
I'm going to say up-front that I don't know how long this entry will go. It's possible it will be very short and it's equally possible that this will go for a while. As always, you've been warned.
What seems to be the worst part of what's been going on is that, as suggested in the title, I feel rather lost. Not in the sense of "Oh, no! What am I possibly going to do?" lost, but rather I feel like I've lost a bit of my internal compass. You know, the part of you that knows, when you get up in the morning, what it is that you're going to try and do on any particular day. I'm feeling very undirected.
Now, granted, I'm not sure I was the most directed person in existence prior to my mom's passing, but it feels even more so now. I think part of it has to do with the extent to which I was totally consumed by what was going on with my mom during the 29 days that she was alive and known to be ill. Everything was focused on dealing with her. There was always going to be another thing I needed to do to cope with what was going on with her.
That's all changed now, of course. Oh, I've been doing the administrative tasks of starting to clean out and sell her house and the final bills, etc., but it's nowhere near the same. The part that's missing seems bigger for its absence. Yeah, I know that I wasn't the most involved with my mom's life that I could be. But now, when I hear a great joke, I suddenly find that the first person I'd want to share it with isn't there any more.
One interesting thing that I've noticed is a desire within myself to find some "meaning" to all of this. I know, deep down, that there isn't any, but that doesn't stop me from looking. After all, my grandmother passed away on September 10th, 2001. Obviously someone needed her to deal with the influx of people that happened immediately afterwards. So, by that reasoning (weak as it is), there had to be something major that required my mom.
At the beginning of March, I received a summons for jury duty. I was to report on April 22. Originally, I had planned to ask for a deferral since I was dealing with my mom and did not know at what point I might need to be even more deeply involved. Her sudden death left me without a good reason to say that I couldn't attend as a juror. "Aha!", thought I - this was the reason. There was going to be some sort of momentous case or event that would require my special skills or insight.
To cut to the chase, I did serve on a jury. It was even a criminal case. But there was nothing spectacular or momentous about it. It didn't require deep insight or reasoning ability. It was just another criminal case and we, the jury, were able to reach a verdict that we thought was right. No special meaning or significance.
And that, in its own way, is one of the sadder elements. The realization that there wasn't any special significance or deep meaning behind my mother's dying. It just happened.
I've been spending time trying to get back into flying. I've updated my medical certificate and all I need to do is spend some time with an instructor to do a Biennial Flight Review. And then I'll be legal to fly. I've always liked flying (and that's why I got my license, after all) but it's always been difficult to get the time and money simultaneously.
Well, thanks to my mom, I don't expect I'll be worrying about money for quite a while. And, if I don't take the time to do this now... When?
After all, Anna and I have a child on the way (due mid-November and so far as healthy as we can determine). I know my life is going to change yet again. I doubt I'm ready for it, but, then again, I don't think anyone ever is. I'll do the best that I can, which is the only thing that can be hoped for. I'd like to think that it will be better to be a husband / father who flies for a hobby rather than one who used to fly but doesn't do it any more.
Ah well... I've gotten to the rambling stage. I don't have specific things I want to say any more, yet I feel uncomfortable closing up just yet. I feel like I should have more to say and I don't. Maybe there's something significant in that, too...