It's been a hectic few days, as you well might have guessed. I can't say there's been a lot of good news, but there has, at least, been a lull in the bad news. I seem to now be dividing things into bad news and not-bad news, since I think we've (unfortunately) passed the point of getting "good" news.
So, Monday was a relatively quiet day, mostly because it was a holiday. Almost every place I tried to call was closed or very short staffed. I did manage to get to talk to a place that does home aides (although not home health aides) and set up for someone to come by on Tuesday. Mom and I figured that she really doesn't need someone who's a nurse or certified aide at this point - rather she needs someone to help get something from the refrigerator or do some clean-up or call for help if needed.
Tuesday, though, was an end-to-end madhouse. We had a morning visit with the urologist (which was complicated by the fact that Mom had some trouble getting ready in the morning). But that went as well as it could. There wasn't much that he had to say beyond, "I think that you'll get more information from the oncologist." You can take that statement for what it's worth, of course.
Then, on the way home, we decided to stop off at the bank and see if we could convert her bank accounts to be joint with me. We already have a couple of joint accounts, and the people at the branch were really helpful, so we got that done. It took a bit, though, and meanwhile my mom was sitting in the car starting to really not feel so good. [I didn't want to torture her with walking into and through the bank, so I just ran papers back and forth for her to sign.]
We got back to the house with enough time for her to rest for about an hour or so and then the woman from Home Instead came by. Meanwhile, I'd also managed to make an appointment with the attorney so we could get started on the legal paperwork for a Durable Power of Attorney and anything else that we'd need. There's a certain horrible irony in the fact that having gone through all this with my grandmother provided an unfortunate dress rehersal for what's going on now. I know pretty much what legal hoops we need to go through and what needs to be done otherwise, which I wouldn't have known if we hadn't had to deal with my grandmother. But, still, I could have done without knowing.
So, while I was at the attorney, Mom arranged for a live-in home aide, who would arrive on Wednesday (yesterday). So there was just a little more time for her to rest and for me to make some more phone calls and then it was off to the Imaging Center again.
This time, it was so they could do an MRI of her head - the doctor was worried that her light confusion and lack of sharpness might be an indication of some metastasis to the brain. While we waited a bit because they were running behind, I have to give some major kudos to the MRI technician. He was a really nice guy who let me take a look at the scans and explained what it was that I was looking at and what cancer in the brain would look like. [He's not allowed to "read" the scans, but he knows what the guys who do read the scans are looking for - therefore, he can't tell me what's there (or not there), but he can let me figure it out for myself.]
So, the unofficial result is that the MRI was completely clear. That's based solely on my layman's view of looking at the pictures, but I didn't see anything troubling. Add to that the fact that the doctor didn't call me last night (after he got the results), and I'm feeling a bit more confident that things are good. Like I say - it's not good news, but it's not-bad news, so that's how it gets classified.
Yesterday was the arrival of the home aide (a very nice woman who seems to have hit it off with my Mom) and furniture rearranging so she'd have a bed to sleep on and Mom would have another chair in her room so she could stay there and visit when Mom was in her recliner but not sleeping.
Meanwhile, I've effectively become her personal case manager. I'm in charge of talking to the long-term care insurance company and doing all of the scouting of asssisted living residences and nursing homes. I'm sure I'll also be doing anything else that comes up, but, right now, I'm basically juggling as fast as I can.
The hardest part, of course, is the few phone calls I've had to make to friends of the family to tell them what's going on. The response seems to be universal - people are obviously saddened and don't know what else to say. I almost feel, for me, like if I can just say it enough times, maybe I can put some distance between me and this whole thing.
Make no mistake, though - this is rough. This is probably the roughest thing I've had to do in my life so far. [There's that "so far" caveat again...] I know that my Mom hasn't made a final treatment decision. But, at the same time, I have a pretty good idea of the way she thinks and I know how she's evaluating her current state of health even without the cancer. I can't say that I know what she'll decide, but I'd believe I know which way the signs are pointing and it's definitely saddening.
My mom actually commented at one point that she didn't know whatever happened to the "instant killers". You know - one second you're fine, then bang, you have a heart-attack and that's it. When did everything start to become so long and drawn-out?
It's really hard to put it together in my head. I mean, I know I can say something simple and factual like, "If my mother does not treat her cancer, then it will kill her. That means, technically, my mother is dying." But it's still very unreal. It's hard to get my mind around the idea that, possibly soon, she's just not going to be there. I know it would've happened sooner or later, but that doesn't make it any easier or any better.
Author: ben@tmk.com