<tangent> Ok. So even I'm disturbed by the fact that I'm not writing much into this diary. And I'm disturbed on multiple levels. On one level, I'm rather disappointed in myself because I wanted to try and keep this going and it's starting to slip (internally) from fun thing to do into chore, which is very strange. After all, if it was going to be a chore, why did I even bother starting?
On a deeper level, though, what's even more disturbing is the implied concept that I just don't have that much to say. After all, I'm definitely in a rut (which is related to today's topic) and there's just not that much that happens in my life. Maybe it's the prolonged flu that I'm fighting off; maybe it's the time of year where everything is dark way too early. Or, frighteningly, maybe I'm just kinda boring... </tangent>
Let me start off by telling you what you already know - the economy is horrible and the job market is practically non-existent. Yeah, you've heard it before and I'm sure you'll hear it again. The difference this time, for me, is that I find myself in an incredibly awkward position. I'm affected by it. Sure, I've lived through recessions before. I've managed to be gainfully employed throughout though.
Make no mistake - I'm definitely still employed; I'm getting a regular paycheck and, finally, about to get health insurance coverage. [It's a start-up, they don't have all the fineries just yet.] But that's about where the good things I can say end. And it's where my inner turmoil starts.
Every time in the past, when I've been in a job situation that I didn't like, I'll admit that I went looking for a new job. Oh, sure, I'd try to make things better, to the extent that I could see that they could be better, but if it was truly unworkable, I'd be looking for an out. AT&T was a great place for that (back in "the day") because you could always look for a new job within the company.
But that brings me to where I am now. I'm not going to name the company, but I'm definitely under-utilized. To a large extent, everyone here is under-utilized. There's just not that much going on. Or, when there is anything going on, everyone's in panic mode. I'm not doing much these days and it's driving me just short of going crazy. And every time I'm about to lose it, I'm confronted by the following train of thought:
And that's when I get to the real kicker - What are the chances that this company will take off? I'm finally needing to confront the real question of just how mercenary I'm willing to be. Ok, I'll grant that this job came with one strike against it - they underbid me on my salary and would not go above the salary in my last position. Not that I can't live (and fairly happily) on that salary, but there was a definite principle involved that I feel got violated.
But none of that winds up breaking my internal deadlock on the fundamental issue. If I stay here, I'm not sure that I'll ever have a level of job satisfaction that will make me happy to come to work. However, if I walk away (once I finally find something to go to), I'm potentially passing up on the chance to make some major buckazoids if things pan out here.
Of course, one other factor (pro my staying) is that my lack of desire to be in the office does make it easy for me to be home to spend more time with my wife and, eventually, to be a factor in my children's lives.
But none of that erases my utter lack of job satisfaction. And that's the part that drives me crazy. After all, I've left other jobs when I was this disinterested in what was going on. Is the lure of the dollar really that attractive to keep me? And it's just a lure - it's not a dead cert yet.
I'm reminded of one time during my previous employment. I was in a "workshop" with a client and as an ice-breaker, the moderator went around the room and asked everyone to introduce themselves and describe their ideal job, presuming that money was no object. Now, I'm sure my answer was influenced by the fact that I was reading L. E. Modesitt's The Magic Engineer. But I sat there thinking about it and I answered "... and I'd like to be a blacksmith".
Ok, never mind that I don't believe I'm suited to be a blacksmith and spend lots of times making nails and horseshoes and such. But the idea of working with material and being able, at the end of a day, to show that I actually produced something definitely has a strong attraction.
In some ways, the drive to be able to point to something and say, "Yeah, I built that." is very strong in me. And, unfortunately, even with all the positions I've held, I have yet to come across anything that I can point to and say that. The level of frustration that creates in me is strong and I don't know how to get away from it.
Author: ben@tmk.com