I've previously mentioned that I'm a Taoist, or at least that's what I tend to call myself. I'd believe (without all that much convincing) that I'm probably not a Taoist. After all, I only "found" Taoism through one particular book and that probably had more to do with the author's writing style than anything else. [See here for the relevant links.]
For most of my early life, I was raised as a Jew; a very, very Reform Jew, but a Jew nevertheless. [I'm sure you've probably met a Jew like I was - bacon was ok to eat, so long as it wasn't on the Sabbath... regularly...] Heck, I was even Bar Mitzvahed when I was 13. [For those of you who don't know, a Bar Mitzvah is the religious ceremony wherein a boy becomes a young man within the eyes of Judaism. There is a similar ceremony for girls called a Bat Mitzvah.]
Even prior to my Bar Mitzvah, I'm not sure that I ever truly believed in a supreme Being. I've always been much more experiential and scientific. The world doesn't need to have a purpose or a supreme Being that cares about it, it just IS. And so, almost completely coincident with my Bar Mitzvah, I became an atheist. I'm not sure it's correct to say that I stopped believing. Rather, I think I finally acknowledged my lack of belief. There's a subtle but very important difference there.
After a few years of being an atheist I realized that I wasn't entirely comfortable with the position - the absolute certainty that comes with atheism. So, being the flexible and thinking person that I am, I switched to agnosticism. Now, lest anyone think that I'm constantly changing my beliefs, it's more of a gradual reassessment process followed by a realization that the label I'd chosen doesn't match any more.
Forward a couple of years to me reading the Smullyan book, The Tao is Silent, and, once again, I found a more comfortable label. One that implies an acceptance of the way things are up until you decide to change them. How very droll, right?
And all this brings us to the holiday season because it's, once again, "that time of year". I'm always left with a very strong sense of unease and discomfort when significant religious holidays come around, and especially for the end of year ones. I'm not sure that I've ever excised (nor ever really want to) my Jewish upbringing. I'm more comfortable with Judaic paraphenalia than with Christian (or any other) paraphenalia, which is not to say that I'm thrilled with any of it.
I particularly happen to dislike the sense that everyone generates of "It's Christmas time, so let's be nice to everyone", if only for the sheer hypocrisy. If you're going to be nice to people, feel free to do it year-round, not just during the mandated times of niceness. So I'm feel like I'm constantly (although not really - it just feels that way) reassessing my beliefs (or lack thereof) and trying to figure out what it is that I really believe in.
"I'm not sure" is the best answer I've come up with so far. I do know that my beliefs are personal - they're not part of a large organized religion. I may not believe in your God, but I do believe that anyone's relationship with their God should be personal. You shouldn't have to go to a special building or at a special time of day or special day of week. If you're willing to believe in a supreme Being, why aren't you also willing to believe that He/She/It can hear you whenever/whereever you happen to be when you feel like talking?
And so, I resent other people waving their religions in front of my face. Maybe it's just my own uncertainty about what I do believe in? Again, I don't know. But I would like to think that I have much more interesting conversations with the universe than you do, since I'm not taking it for granted.
Author: ben@tmk.com