From:	SMTP%"msolomon@ldbvax.dnet.lotus.com" 22-JAN-1990 22:45:30.80
To:	JMS
CC:	
Subj:	Dave Barry looks at 1989

Date: Tue, 23 Jan 90 00:10:50 EST
Message-Id: <9001230510.AA11982@nebraska.lotus.com>
From: msolomon@ldbvax.dnet.lotus.com (Monty Solomon)
To: @humor@uunet.UU.NET
Cc: MSOLOMON%nebraska@uunet.UU.NET
Subject: Dave Barry looks at 1989

From:	LDBVAX::JOKEEFE      "John O'Keefe EXT 3314" 22-JAN-1990 15:16:15.48
To:	@pl:humor
CC:	
Subj:	Dave Barry looks at 1989

~~inner_header~~
To: @pl:humor
Subject: Dave Barry looks at 1989
Source-Date: 22 Jan 1990 13:56 est

- Taken without permission from the Wisconsin State journal, 12-24-89

                         DAVE BARRY LOOKS BACK AT 1989

Jan 1
In college football action, the University of Donald Trump "Fighting Donald
Trumps" win the national championship in the Donald Trump Bowl by purchasing a
last-second field goal for a reported $23 million.  President-elect George Bush
appoints a blue-ribbon White House Horseshoe Pit Site Selection task force.

Jan 3
Casualties continue to mount in the War on Drugs as two courageous political
leaders are injured while attempting to bulldoze the same crack house from
opposite directions.  The National Commission on Scares announces that one of
this year's most popular themes will be pesticides.  Stocks are active.

Jan 7
Japanese Emperor Hirohito dies but is quickly restored to perfect working order
thanks to a clever gadget developed and patented by the Mitsubishi Corporation.

Jan 8
Michael Dukakis emerges briefly from his secret Mexican hideout to announce
that he will not seek re-election as governor of Massachusetts.  The savings
and loan industry announces heavy fourth-quarter bingo losses.

Jan 9
The U.S. Congress, in a last-ditch effort to control rampant federal spending
decides to give itself an enormous pay raise.  Medical researchers announce
that excessive consumption of fiber can make you look like Wilford Brimley.

Jan 15
Outraged taxpayers protest the planned congressional pay raise by mailing
thousands of tea bags to their representatives and senators.

Jan 16
Congress authorizes $167 million to establish the Federal Department of Tea Bag
Reception and Storage.

Jan 17
As the eight historic years of the Reagan administration draw to a close, White
House staffers begin the melancholy but at the same time satisfying task of
getting Nancy out with a water cannon.

Jan 19
Ronald Reagan pardons George Steinbrenner.  This really happened.  In Miami,
with tens of thousands of visitors and media people in town for the Super Bowl,
the first major official even, bill as "An All-Night Car Burn and Rock Throw,"
goes off without a hitch.

Jan 20
In Washington, the presidential inauguration ceremonies go smoothly except for
a moment of confusion when the vice-president-elect forgetting months of
intensive pre-inaugural briefing, attempts to take the oath of office by
raising a Bible aloft with his right hand and placing h is left hand on Chief
Justice William Rehnquist.

Jan 22
The San Francisco 49ers defeat the Cincinnati Bengals to win the Super Bowl.
This is a severe blow to the savings and loan industry, which had bet $275
million on the San Diego Padres.

Jan 25
Officials of Amnesty International express outrage when brutal authorities of
Delta Air Lines deny oppressed refugee minority group Zsa Zsa Gabor the
fundamental human right to let her dogs wander around and urinate in a plane's
first-class cabin.

Jan 26
Secretary of Defense nominee John Tower, angrily responding to charges that he
has a drinking problem, tells a senate hearing that he can lick any man in the
room.

Jan 29
Further questions are raised regarding John Tower's fitness to be secretary of
defense after he poses nude for "Hot Stud" magazine.  Ted Bundy is executed but
immediately files an appeal.

Jan 30
The War on Drugs takes another important stride forward as Congress, meeting in
an emergency session, appropriates $317 million to build new crack houses for
political leaders to bulldoze.

Feb 1
Work begins on the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.

Feb 2
Work is completed on the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.  The savings and
loan industry loses $13.4 billion betting on a dog named "Goiter."

Feb 8
The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library is tragically destroyed when a tourist
spills a Diet Coke on it.

Feb 10
In a massive "reverse sting" operation, Washington, D.C., undercover agents
sell more than $300,000 worth of crack cocaine to John Tower, whose nomination
appears to be in trouble.

Feb 11
President Bush, in his first major initiative as president, calls for a $350
million War on Trout.

Feb 14
Congress, yielding to intense public pressure, rejects its pay raise, but votes
to triple the budget for the Department of Tea Bag Reception and Storage, which
now has 17,000 employees and facilities in 31 states.

Feb 17
The Ayatollah Khomeini signs a $3 million contract with Viking publishers to
promote sales of Salman Rushdie's book, "The satanic Verses."

Feb 22
His hopes for Senate confirmation dashed, a bitter John Tower announces that he
is withdrawing himself from consideration and will take a job piloting oil
tankers for the Exxon Corporation.

Feb 24
As the nationwide Pesticide Scare gains momentum, the Consumer Product Safety
Commission votes unanimously to require air bags on nectarines.  In Chicago
jurors deliberating in a medical malpractice lawsuit order a pizza and vote to
tip the delivery person $19 million.

Feb 26
In an unusually upbeat Grammy Awards ceremony, Bobby McFerrin, c composer of
the hugely popular song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" is shot.

Feb 28
The Ayatollah Khomeini, flush with the success of his "Satanic Verses"
promotion, signs a reported $12 million deal with Pepsi.

March 1
Best-selling author and U.S. House Majority Leader Jim Wright angrily denies
that there is anything unethical about his involvement in a business
partnership seeking to convert the Lincoln Memorial to a time-sharing
condominium.  The Chilean army successfully tests a cyanide grape.

4
A massive strike paralyzes Eastern Airlines.  Service is normal.

5
In a long-awaited move, the federal government orders mandatory drug testing
for Dan Rather.  Chile reportedly sells a shipment of cyanide grapes to Libya.

8
The Defense Department, in what is perceived as a warning to Libya,
successfully tests a nuclear prune.

10
Pepsi unveils its new promotional theme: "Drink it or we Chop Off Your Hand."

12
President Bush, chastened by the Tower fiasco, announces his new nominee for
secretary of defense, Leon Spinks.  In other boxing news, Mike Tyson, citing
"irreconcilable differences," drops Robin Givens from  jet.

13
Following the lead of Chase Manhattan, major banks lower the prime rate.

14
Following the leader of Chase Manhattan, major banks raise the prime rate.

15
Following the lead of Chase Manhattan, major banks go "moo" like a cow.

16
In Washington, the ethics crisis deepens as the House Foreign Relations
Committee is arrested for "wilding."  Major banks place their hands on their
heads, then have a hearty laugh at their own expense when they realize the
Chase Manhattan did not say "Simon Says."

17
Scientists announce that they have discovered a tiny invisible thing that
"could probably" be the key to curing the common cold and all they need is a
couple billion dollars and about 37 more years to nail the whole deal down.
Warner Communications merges with Canada.  Stocks are calm.

19
The Food and Drug Administration announces that all liquor bottles will
henceforth be required to carry the statement:  "WARNING!  USE OF THIS PRODUCT
MAY CAUSE YOUR VISION ROMMET ENNA WEMIDGHERRACKOR.

22
Unfairly hounded patriot Oliver North goes on trial on charges of selling arms
to Iran to raise funds for freedom-fighting guerrilla band Zsa Zsa Gabor.

24
Michael Jordan becomes the first human being to land on Saturn.  He is fouled
on the play.

25
An Exxon tanker runs aground and begins spewing oil into ecologically delicate
waters.  The company's highly trained Emergency Disaster Response Team
immediately swings into action; within hours, gasoline prices have been jacked
up worldwide.  Stocks are excited.

28
Ronald Reagan, described by close friends as "overtired" attempts to pardon
Billy Martin.

April 1
Two scientists announce that they have figured out how to create a nuclear
fusion reaction in a glass of ordinary tap water.  For some reason, this is
hailed as good news.

4
In Alaska to frown with concern at the oil spill, the vice president salutes a
penguin.

6
Most of Fort Worth, Texas is leveled by a high-school chemistry student
screwing around with ordinary tap water.

8
The heartening spirit of Western-style democracy continues as the Soviet Union,
which has never had truly free elections, announces that delegates to the
Soviet General Assembly will henceforth be selected via caucuses in Iowa.

17
The unclaimed jackpot in the Illinois lottery reaches $67 million.  Lottery
vendors report huge lines of unruly savings and loan executives.

19
Unfairly hounded patriot Oliver North is found semi-guilty and sentenced to go
around the country giving speeches for as much as $20,000 a whack.  Laughing
officials of the American Medical Association end a highly successful prank
with the announcement that there is actually no such thing as "cholesterol".

24
In the War on Drugs, the Broward County, Florida, Sheriff's Office acknowledges
that it is manufacturing crack cocaine for use in "sting" operations.  This is
a true item.

25
In the Soviet Union, democracy continues to make uncertain strides forward at
the Communist Party's fir Western-style political convention, which reaches its
exciting climax when huge nets attached high on the ceiling are opened,
dropping thousands of screaming delegates onto a floor covered with balloons.

26
"batman" is released and immediately breaks all existing box-office records.

30
Former U.S. House Speaker "Tip" O'Neill, attempting to film a Ti-Dee-Bol
commercial, is hospitalized after his boat sinks inside a giant commode.  A
hospital representative describes his condition as "huge".

May 1
Amid a massive wave of publicity disguised as new, the Disney Corporation opens
its latest theme park, "A World of Cranky People Waiting in Lines".

3
In Beijing's Tianamen square, hopes for democracy soared as thousands of
Chinese students erect a replica of Batman.

4
The Exxon Corporation signs a a major contract under which it will provide all
the safety training for the U.S. Navy.

6
A shocking new book reveals that for at least two years of the John F. Kennedy
administration Marilyn Monroe was secretary of state.

8
Suspicions that Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose may be gambling on baseball
are aroused when, in a crucial ninth-inning situation, he orders his pitcher
blindfolded.

9
Amid allegations of possible hanky-panky, election officials formally declare
Manuel Noriega the winner of the country's presidential elections scheduled to
be held tomorrow.

10
True item: In a speech, the vice president attempted to recall the motto of the
United Negro College Fund says "What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not
to have a mind".

16
A congressional committee, investigating allegations of possible fraud, learns
that the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development is headquartered in
Paris.

21
In a long-awaited final episode of "Miami Vice," Crockett and Tubbs, finally
giving in to the forces of corruption are elected to the Miami City Commission.

25
The Japanese government collapses but is immediately replaced by a new one made
by Toyota with some really neat features.  In New York City, the savings and
loan industry fails to guess the correct card and loses $32 billion to a man
called "Scooter."  Stocks are depressed

31
Somebody wins yet another exciting and memorable running of the Indianapolis
500, an exhibition of driving skill featuring cards sponsored by Budweiser,
Miller, Budweiser Light, Miller Dry, Budweiser Wet, Jim Beam, Marlboro, Miller
Flat, Camel and the Medellin Drug Cartel.

June 3
On the "Today" show, Willard Scott "accidentally" stabs Bryant Gumbel with a
pitchfork.

4
In Iran, religious leader and public-relations expert Ayatollah Khomeini dies
in an accident described by Iranian authorities as "gerbil-related."  The U.S.
Postal Service warns that a number of consumers have had "unusual" reactions
after licking the Jimmi Hendrix commemorative stamp.  "Police Academy XVII" is
released and immediately breaks all existing box-office records.

6
At funeral services for the Ayatollah Khomeini, grief-stricken Iranian
moderates express their love for their fallen leader by ripping off his
clothes, revealing large red silk undershorts on which are printed "Home of the
Whopper."

8
Actor Rob Lowe is deeply embarrassed by a videotape showing the actor having
sex in an Atlanta hotel room for an astounding length of time, after which
former U.S. House Speaker "Tip" O'Neill pops out of a suitcase.

10
Panamanian Strongperson Manuel Noriega, once again frustrating U.S. State
Department strategists is elected governor of Ohio.

16
Jerry Falwell announces that he is dissolving the Moral Majority so he can
spend more time at the track.  Video stores are jammed with fitness-conscious
Americans wishing to purchase the Rob Lower Workout tape.

18
In Glasnost news, the Soviet Union's first truly free elections get off to a
rocky start as the candidates unfamiliar with modern campaign procedures,
attempt to woo voters by kissing silly hates and wearing babies on their heads.

19
Barry Switzer, fed up with constant harassment over alleged NCAA rules
violations resigns as coach of the University of Oklahoma, deeply saddening his
players, some of whom have been with him more than 15 years.

21
In a decision that outrages the nation, the U.S. Supreme Court rules that, no
matter how repugnant it may be to most people, the constitutional guarantee of
free speech protects the right of politicians to propose foolish and
ludicrously unnecessary anti-flagburning amendments and posture and bluster and
writhe like hypocritical slugs in a bog of pandering slime.

24
Congress approves $13 million in room-service charges for the Contras.

25
President Bush, responding with bold swift visionary leadership to the brutal
crackdown on pro-democracy demonstrators in China, proposes a constitutional
amendment to prohibit flag-burning.

28
yet another tanker spill, this one in the Atlantic, threatens U.S. shores.  The
oil industry braces for additional profits.

30
NASA announces that a forthcoming space shuttle with carry the "Galileo" space
probe, which is powered by deadly plutonium.  At a press conference NASA
officials assure the public that there is "no possibility whatsoever of any
kind of mechanical weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooo HEY WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS
MICROPHONE??"

July 1
Top entertainers including Wayne Newton, Milton Berle and the late Totie Fields
hold a massive all-star benefit concert to raise money to provide food, hors
d'oeurvres and dessert for refugee freedom-fighter minority group Zsa Zsa
Gabor, who after being brutally assaulted in the hand by a police officer's is
believed to be hiding out in Beverly Hills disguised as a bus.

3
The pope appears in public with a Batman logo on his hat.

5
In what some observers feel could be a tactical error, Hotel Queen Leona
Helmsley arrives at her tax-evasion trial riding a broom.

8
Thousands of refugees stream out of Beirut, fleeing the increasing violence and
devastation caused by British soccer fans.  Momentum builds among conservative
groups to create a monument to Ronald Reagan at Mount Rushmore by sculpting a
200-foot-tall stone polyp.

15
True item:  The vice president, speaking to a group of Young Republicans,
mentions the anniversary of "Neil Armstrong and Buzz Lukens' walk on the
moon."  He meant Buzz Aldrin; Buzz Lukens is an Ohio congressman who was
recently convicted for having sex with a 16-tear old girl.

16
The vice president's office releases a clarification stating that he mean to
say "Louis Armstrong and Buzz Lukens' walk on the moon."

17
In a dramatic story that fascinates the nation, lawyer Thomas Root, flying his
single-engine plane from Washington to South Carolina, lapses into
unconsciousness and travels 800 miles on autopilot, trailed by military jets
before plunging into Bahamian waters, where he miraculously escapes from his
plane and survives.

18
The Thomas Root story takes a bizarre twist when it is revealed that he has a
gunshot wound.  In New York, a packed courtroom listens intently as a hotel
chambermaid testifies that Leona Helmsley ate her baby.

19
In yet another bizarre twist to the Thomas Root story, it turns out that the
mystery pilot was shot WITH HIS OWN GUN.

21
The B-2 "stealth" bomber which has so far cost $17 billion, is test-flown and
proves to be, as advertised, virtually invisible to radar.  Unfortunately, it
can be easily picked up on regular television.

22
A shocked congressional investigating committee learns that the mystery pilot
Thomas Root was dating Fawn Hall.

23
Rich personal Malcolm Forbes celebrates his 70th birthday party by urging
everyone to help those who are less fortunate.  Ha Ha! Just kidding, of
course.  Forbes celebrates his birthday by hosting an unbelievable lavish $2
million party for all his many rich friends, who fly first-class to Morocco and
stay in deluxe hotel rooms provided by the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban
Development.

Aug 3
Twenty years after Woodstock, reporters return to the site of the greatest rock
concert ever held to find a number of fans still waiting in line for the
Port-O-San.

5
A major debate erupts in Congress over whether a federal arts program should
have funded the exhibition of a photograph of Sen. Jesse Helms, R-N.C.,
suspended in a container of urine.

6
bill the Cat, who technically died years ago, finally goes to that Big Litter
Bob in the Sky.

8
In a major peace initiative, President Bush orders "call waiting" for the Hot
Line.  Warner Communications merges with the Medellin Drug Cartel.  Stocks are
exhausted.

10
A DC-10 commercial airliner, after taking off from the Atlanta airport arrives
in Chicago at the scheduled time.  The Federal Aviation Administration vows to
investigate.

14
In a decision with far-reaching implications, a federal judge rules that a
frozen embryo cannot legally be denied a driver's license.

16
On the troubled "Today" show Jane Pauley and Deborah Norville, each clutching
large recently uprooted sectors of the other's hair, deny that there is any
tension between them.

19
The Columbian government, in a sweeping narcotics crackdown, arrests 17 members
of the Broward County, Fla., Sheriff's Office.

24
Pete Rose is permanently banished from baseball after ordering the Cincinnati
Reds to play an entire game wearing restrictive evening gowns.  He immediately
accepts a high-level position in the savings and loan industry.  "Halloween
XVCLLIIVXXXXIIXV" breaks all existing box-office records despite still being in
script form.

Sept 1
Leading ecologists express grave concern as the endangered Brazilian rain
forest becomes trapped in the ice near Point Barrow, Alaska.

2
In Washington, ridiculously upbeat news stories herald the birth of yet another
doomed cub to Ling-Ling, The Chinese Death Panda.  Meeting in emergency
session, the UN Security Council votes to send a peacekeeping force to the
troubled "Today" show.

4
In New York, the Leona Helmsley trial comes to a satisfactory conclusion when a
little girl throws a bucket of water on the defendant, causing her to dissolve.

5
president Bush, boldly declaring the estimated 374th War on Drugs, holds up an
actual piece of crack purchased right near the White House from the Broward
County, FLA., Sheriff's Office.

12
In a speech televised in the nation's schools, President Bush tells young
people that refusing drugs won't make them "nerds."

13
Crack sales soar.

18
Hurricane Hugo smashes into South Carolina, causing horrendous devastation and
loss.  Within minutes, the White House has announced the formation of an
Advisory Council to determine whether a commission should be appointed to
review the merits of setting up a blue ribbon panel to consider the feasibility
of establishing a task force to consider the possibility of maybe doing
something.  Exhausted, everybody turns in for the night.

20
True item:  In the Zsa Zsa Gabor Endless Media-Intensive Trial from Hell, the
defendant tells the court that when officer Paul Kramer approached her, she
could see a "look of pure hatred" in his eyes.  Reminded that Kramer was
wearing sunglasses, Gabor explains:  "the look of pure hatred was in his
VOICE."

28
After a long and boring illness, Ferdinand Marcos dies.  Imdelda, unable to
return him to the Philippines, decides to keep him in her closet.

30
After a trial that receives considerably more publicity than the ozone layer,
Zsa Zsa Gabor is convicted and, in what is widely viewed as an overly lenient
punishment, sentenced to death.

Oct 3
The Ohio National Guard attempts to overthrow Governor Manual Noriega, but
expected U.S. military aid fails to materialize when top administration foreign
policy strategists forget the Secret Code Number for dialing an outside line.

8
Three-eyed alien beings arrive in the Soviet Union and vaporize a teenager.
Stocks are up.

13
On Wall Street, the stock market suffers its biggest one-day drop in two years,
sparking investors fears of sharp increases in totally incoherent news-media
analyses.

18
the space shuttle, carrying the deadly plutonium-powered space probe Galileo,
blasts off smoothly under the command of Commander Thomas "Mystery Pilot" Root.

20
Deployment of the deadly plutonium-powered space probe Galileo goes as
expected, except that moments after the probe's on-board Master Computer is
activated it sends back the message that henceforth it wishes to be addressed
as "Rex."

27
Former president Richard Nixon visits China, reportedly carrying a secret
message from the U.S. government.

30
True item:  In what a representative describes as "routine weapons training", a
U.S. Navy plane drops a 500-pound bomb on a U.S. Navy Ship.

31
Chinese leaders discover that their secret message contains an 18-minute gap.

Nov 1
In an unprecedented legislative development, lawmakers begin introducing bills
to have naval bases *removed* from their districts.  A Japanese corporation
pays former President Reagan $6 million to emcee a wedding reception.

2
In Eastern Europe, the Winds of Democracy blow with increasing strength as tens
of thousands of East Germans, defying the Communist regime, protest for their
basis human rights to purchase the "Batman" video.

6
Lech Walesa is elected speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.

9
True item:  The Department of Energy acknowledges that Charlton Heston, who
narrates films for the Energy Department, has for six years help the nation's
highest nuclear-weapons security clearance.

14
In Eastern Europe, the Winds of Democracy continue blowing as the Berlin Wall,
for 28 years the ultimate symbol of Communist oppression, is purchased by
Japanese investors.

15
True Item:  In Riverside County, Calif., two U.S. Navy attack jets, flown by
student pilots, accidentally bomb a campsite, damaging a motor home.  Actor and
nuclear-weapons expert Charlton Heston announces the successful testing of the
BX-2 Atomic Field Chariot.

16
Violence flares in the Midwest as Illinois attempts to expand its state lottery
operation into Indiana.  Proceeds will benefit senior citizens.

21
The House and Senate, responding to growing public disgust over their inability
to control spending or eliminate corruption, finally set aside petty partisan
differences and unite in another effort to jack up their salaries.  This time
the concept is an "ethics" bill, under which lawmakers will get large pay
raises, in return for which they will agree to stop robbing convenience stores.

27
In Eastern Europe, the Winds of Democracy reach gale force as the
Czechoslovakian parliament votes, with virtually no opposition, to get HBO.

30
Iowa forms a State Department of Prostitution, with proceeds to benefit senior
citizens.

Dec 1
Hopes for world peace soar as President Bush and Premier Gorbachev set out for
a historic summit in Malta.

2
Hopes for world peace suffer a set back as Bush and Gorbachev realize that they
have no idea what the hell "Malta" is.  "It sounds like the noise of barfing"
states Gorbachev through an interpreter.  In the U.S. dermatologists report an
alarming increase in children born with Batman logos.

4
Despite very rough weather, the historic Saltwater Summit ends on a positive
note as the two world leaders agree to set aside their lunch and go Malta over
the side of the ship.  In the Middle East, archaeologists unearth a 20,000
year-old perfectly preserved disposable diaper.

6
Drug Czar William Bennett unveils the new $27 million General Dynamics Z-3000
Stealth Bulldozer, capable of demolishing a 65-story crack house.  Vermont
announces the formation of a State Arson Ring, with proceeds to benefit senior
citizens.  The Food and Drug Administration announces a crackdown on abuses in
the fast-growing liposuction by mail industry.

8
Gunfire erupts on the strife-torn "Today" show;  fortunately, nobody is killed
except Gene Shalit.  Ratings soar.

11
Officials of the Federal Aviation Administration announce that, strictly as a
cost-saving measure, they will do all their future traveling by train.
Romania, responding to the Winds of Democracy, buys a Corvette.

13
Middle East observers voice concern over a large radioactive cloud spreading
outward from the site of Annual Israeli-Palestinian Fellowship Clambake.

19
With the grim threat of world peace looming, the Department of Defense is
ordered to cut its budget by $75 billion or roughly two coffee pots and a
wrench.  In yet another big break for senior citizens, Delaware and Maryland
form a gang and start robbing people of their proceeds at knife point.

21
A grim-faced U.S. Surgeon general announces that "tofu" turns out to be
Japanese for "whale snot."

23
In a moving holiday ceremony, President Bush names a blue-ribbon panel to
advise him on whether he should light the White House Christmas tree.

26
The world weeps with joy as Britain's royal family agrees to just stay inside
and shut up for a couple of years.  In Geneva, U.S. arms negotiators begin
face-to-face talks with the U.S. Navy.  The "Today" show goes on location in
Beirut.  In Winds of Democracy action, Bulgaria signs up for disco lessons.

31
NASA announces that the deadly plutonium-powered space probe, "Rex", has made
an unscheduled U-turn in space and is hurtling back toward Earth, humming the
theme song from "Lethal Weapon."  Also, the oceans are rising and the ozone is
thinning and the forests are disappearing and the national debt is growing and
everything in your entire refrigerator has been shown to be fatal to laboratory
rats and the man standing a heartbeat away from becoming Leader of the Free
World seems to have the same basic cerebral-cortex structure as okra.  But at
least the 1908s are OVER, right