b 21 Nov 87 Steven E Harari smile... it's good for you! --18034 chars; More?--b 20 Nov 87 a.Jiml@GSB-WHY.Stanford.EDU@mit-ccc, Re: Cobol to C translator wanted --547 chars; More?--f 21 Nov 87 Steven E Harari smile... it's good for you! --18034 chars; More?-- Entering digest ... Here's some stuff I downloaded off of a local BBoard... From the SUNY BBS at (516)-231-0343 These files were contributed by Paul Howard. ------The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes------ Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1:None of your damn business! A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertaion program, and One to act as a light bulb administratbody else tries tow man ke ge a li ght bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One th change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialiscahangea light bulb? A: None, the bulb will change itsef when it is ready. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------ consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one thaed as brightly as the first one. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulbd the other to ske tochang e a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lighb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bufraid of the dareal omen " does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside) Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How manyals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Q: How many med light bulb? A:ull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really one. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine tate the ladder. Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotateopFive: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how mucher it is than with a man. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget! Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? Q: How many -third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many Jeiish-American Pricesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a libulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out t Q: How many junks its dark? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb? A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him. Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades e dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super- high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and : How many technic bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. HaHa > Suny Joke Board < HaHa A>bort C>all Dave for a chat G>oodbye L>eave messages R>ead messages S>can messages 1>Light Bulb Jokes 2>Some jokes to read Command> 2 Type P to Pause, S to Stop listing These jokes contributed to Suny BBS by Paul Howard I was walking along and saw this guy who was extremely well built, 6' tall, broad shoulders, great tan, etc., wearing an expensive outfit but he had this tiny head. I could not help from staring. Well this guy saw me and asked me what I was looking at. I apologized and said that I saw such a handsome man but couldn't help staringy disressed and said he would te ll me how it hapened. The man explained that he found a brass lamp washed up on the shore of Drakes beach last week and kidding around he rubbed the lamp. Can you believe there was a real genie in that lamp. She was beautiful! She said she would grant him three wishes. His first wish was for all the money he would ever need. And she gave him money beyond his wildest dreams. His next wish was for good health and a healthy body. She gave him a wondephysique. He was feeling great. She asked him for his last wish. What else could he wish for from this beautiful Genie? What else could make his day any better? So he asked her "How about a little head?" -------------------------------------------------------------- ... Exiting digest 24 Nov 87 S Thomas McCormick , funny --1061 chars; More?- Entering digest ... From Mike Taylor: "If computers are the wave of the future, then displays are the surfboards." --- Ted Nelson (according to Andy Van Dam) -------------------------------------------------- 24 Nov 87 --6681 chars; More?-- IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO SERVICE WIDOWS. --- Idaho Statesman EXPLODING COMMODE FLOODS POLAND A toilet pipe that blew up "like a fire hydrant shot ankle-deep water across the seventh floor of Poland Hall at about 9 last night. --- College Heights Herald, Bowling Green, Ky. Perhaps the cruelest tragedy in the death yesterday of James E. Dever is that had it happened a few minutes later, he might still be alive. --- Chester County, Pa., Daily Local News WATT SAYS ENVIRONMENTALISTS LIKE NAZIS --- The Oregonian SHARON TO PRESS HIS SUIT IN ISRAEL --- East Oregonian NEW LAW HAS CHP OFFICER JUMPING FOR JOY Lieutentant Who Lost Legs Is Exempted From Physical Agility Test --- Los Angeles Times, first edition NEW LAW IS LEAP FORWARD FOR CHP OFFICER Lieutentant Who Lost Legs Is Exempted From Physical Agility Test --- Los Angeles Times, second edition CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS --- Sacramento Union CORRECTION The Jumble puzzle, which appears on page D1 of Thursday's edition, actually was the puzzle scheduled to appear today. The Jumble originally scheduled to appear Thursday as well as the answers to Wednesday's puzzle are on page E1 today. The answers to the the puzzle published today appeared Thursday, and the answers to the puzzle published Thursday will appear Saturday. --- Arizona Republic REVIEW DEFINTION OF DEATH, BODY ADVISES --- Japan Times She said the man sat on the benches in only his boxer shorts for about five minutes, and exposed himself. "It wasn't long, but it was long enough," Mrs. Mankin said. --- Easton, Md., Star-Deomocrat MORE DOGS BRING COMPLAINTS --- Martinsburg, W.Va., Evening Journal KONTAKIS IS FOUND GUILTY OF MURDERING WIFE AFTER BRIEF DELIBERATION --- Somerst, NJ, Spectator DOWNTOWN HOGS GRANT CASH --- Chicago Tribune MAN MINUS EAR WAIVES HEARING --- Jackson, Tenn., Sun POLICE KILL MAN WITH TV TUNER --- Oceanside, Calif., Blade-Tribune There is something more boring than baseball... Ellen Goodman's column, Page A-11. --- Roanoke Times & World-News HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE SOME STUDY FOR GRADUATION --- Los Angeles Times "NAGGING" WIFE CRITICAL AFTER HAMMER ATTACK --- Trenton Times BLIND WOMANS GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS --- Alabama Journal SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY --- Belleville, Ill., News-Democrat CANDADIAN ECONOMIST FEELS RATES HAVE HIT THERE PEAK --- Calgary Herald, first edition CANDADIAN ECONOMIST FEELS RATES HAVE HIT THIER PEAK --- Calgary Herald, second edition THE NEW BRITISH LIBRARY -- SITING COMFORTABLY ON ENLARGED PILES --- New Scientist BUNDY BEATS LATEST DATE WITH CHAIR --- Denver Post ITALIAN GUNMEN SHOOT TYPSETTER BY MISKTAKE --- Philadelphia Inquirer APARMENT OWNERS WHIPPING BOYS --- Kitchner-Waterloo, Ont., Record WHITE HOUSE KILLS FUND RAISER AFTER COMPLAINTS ABOUT TACTICS --- Newsday MORE BAD MUSHROOMS New Britain, Conn. (AP) -- Five more persons were charged Wednesday in the musrooming inves- tigation of alleged corruption in New Britain's city government, state police reported. --- Greenwich Times Stop smoking or, if practical, switch to another birth control method. --- Lewiston, Me., Daily Sun BRITISH AIDE SAYS ALL INMATES TO GAIN NOW THAT FAST IS OVER --- Hartford Courant RESIDENTS WERE SHOCKED EACH TIME THEIR NEIGHBORDS WENT ON A MURDER SPREE --- San Franciso Chronicle HIS HUMMING REAR END IS A MAJOR DISTRACTION --- Toronto Star JERK INJURES NECK, WINDS AWARD --- Buffalo News "Medical Ethics are the choices we make based on our value system or moral considerations in the field of medicine. The symposium will help people develop principles to make decisions. One example is youh in Asia. You have got the choice of letting a person live on a machine or pulling the plug. What's right? --- South Dakota State University Collegian ---------------------------------- ... Exiting digest 1 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick , luagh --4317 chars; More?-- The Inside Story of How Turkey Day Began by Dave Barry [ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Nov. 22, 1987 ] Once again, it is almost Thanksgiving, the time of year when we go to the shopping mall of our choice in memory of the Pilgrims, a hardy band of men and women who set out from England in their frail ship, the Frail Ship III, in search of a place where they could exercise their constitutional right to set suspected witches on fire. It was a very difficult voyage - at times they thought they would never reach the New World - but finally, one morning, after 18 weeks at sea, the fog lifted and the lookout shouted the fateful words: "Hey! We forgot to put up the sails!" Several hours later, they arrived in New England, and, although their luggage had been checked through to the Pacific Northwest, they were able to survive that first rugged winter, thanks to the help of a friendly Indian, Tonto, who showed them how to throw tea into the harbor. When a year had gone by, they celebrated by having a big dinner and inviting the Indians over to sign a treaty under which the Pilgrims got Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Ohio, and the Indians got bacterial infections. Today we celebrate these events by watching the Detroit Lions on television and eating the traditional ludicrous Thanksgiving meal, which consists of 142 mutant food items that exist only on Thanksgiving, such as yams glazed with Rice Crispies and Cool Whip, served in 142 individual 12-pound Corning Ware containers, far more than will fit simultaneously on the table, so we must constantly pass them back and forth to each other, keeping a third of them airborne for the entire 2-hour meal, similar to the system used by the Strategic Air Command for tactical bombers. The piece de resistance of the Thanksgiving meal has traditionally been the turkey, although in recent years, more and more upwardly-mobile urban professionals are switching to the ostrich, a bird that combines the advantages of weighing 350 pounds with the advantages of being able to kill a man with a single kick. As Buster Webster, president of the American Ostrich Council, put it in a recent interview: "Just the drumstick from a mature bird like Rex here could feed a family of six for AAACCKKK ... " Whatever kind of poultry you choose, you'll want to serve it with stuffing prepared the traditional way. Traditional stuffing recipe: Ingredients: No oysters. To Prepare: Prepare stuffing in bowl. Do not put oysters in it. Serve without oysters. The secret to this recipe is that is does not contain any oysters, which are phlegm-like sea creatures that spend their entire lives eating wharf slime. And, yet, sometimes you will attend a Thanksgiving dinner - this has happened to me - where the cook will deliberately put these organisms into the stuffing and then give it to you to eat. If this ever happens to you, my advise is that you claim you have a routine dental appointment and leave immediately, because, for all you know, there will be leeches in the aspic. But good food is not the real purpose of Thanksgiving; the real purpose is to get together with all those Loved Ones whom we rarely see, even though they live just a half-hour away, because we hate them. Hosting one of these large family "get-togethers" can be an awful lot of work. So, if it's your turn to have "the whole gang" over to your house this year, here's a little tip that can make things go a lot more smoothly: Claim you have lung flukes. Lung flukes are organisms that I found out about recently while browsing through the parasites section of the Encyclopedia Britannica, and, although they are not usually considered a Friend to Man, they can help to drastically reduce the turnout at your Thanksgiving dinner. A day or two ahead of time, call up all your Loved Ones and say: "Hello, Alice? Listen, I want you to know that (cough) I'm still expecting you all here for (cough cough) Thanksgiving, and the doctor says there's nothing to worry about concerning the (cough cough cough) lung flukes unless I (cough cough cough cough cough cough) cough on the food." ------- 2 Dec 87 bostic%okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU@ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU@mit-ccc The Wombat and Society --1496 chars; More?-- Reference: "Dial-A-Wombat leaves police 'up a tree'", *Newcastle Morning Herald*, WSW Australia, p. 1, 27 Aug 1980. First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. Dial-A-Wombat. It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in another phone booth. There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and released it, too, in the scrub. But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths. 2 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick , tomatoes --5174 chars; More?-- Attack of the Speeding Tomatoes or, Pass the Ketchup by Dave Barry [ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Nov. 29, 1987 ] Today's News Update consists of three items that I am not making up, starting with: o The World's Fastest Tomato. As some of you may recall, I have been participating in an ongoing scientific project to set a world speed record for a tomato thrown by a jai-alai player. This project is being conducted at the prestigious Dania Jai-alai Institute of Dania, Fla., which used to bill itself as "The Tomato Capital of the World," which is how the publicity director, Steve Bourie, motivated by a sincere desire to get publicity, developed the idea of having one of the players get into the Guinness Book of World Records for throwing the World's Fastest Tomato. He asked me to be the Objective Media Observer who stands behind a plastic shield and times the oncoming tomato with a radar gun, and I agreed, a decision that puzzled my friends. "Dave," they said, in unison, "you are blessed with a good job and a loving family and a dog who is finally getting over the habit of rolling in filth and then trying to climb into bed with you: why would you risk death at the hands of a salad ingredient?" And I answered: "Why? I'll tell you why. For the same reason that Christopher Columbus, nearly 500 years ago, set off across the vast and unknown ocean: stupidity." Which is how I found myself crouching against a wall in the Dania Jai-alai parking lot, protected only by an inadequate-looking transparent shield and easily breaking all existing North American records for armpit wetness while a professional jai-alai player named Charles "Chaz" Brower, who, I would estimate, is 9 feet 7 inches tall, hurled greenish tomatoes ("You don't want them too ripe," he said to a local TV news crew) at me from close range with all his strength. It is not easy, even for a professional, to control the direction of tomatoes; sometimes they would sail completely over the building, and sometimes they would hit the wall next to me at breathtaking speeds, exploding into clouds of tomato shrapnel. Also, the first time we tried this experiment, last spring, we couldn't get the tomatoes to show up on the radar gun. But, recently, we tried again, and I am pleased to report that we got a definite reading of - get ready - 103 miles per hour. Probably you want to know what a tomato looks like, coming straight at you at that speed. I have no idea. My eyes were closed. But I do know this: All of us, as Americans, have reason to be proud of this achievement. Next summer, during the Olympics, if the Communists are rejoicing because they won the gold medal in some weenie event like the uneven parallel bars, we can lean forward in our reclining chairs and say to our television screens, with scorn in our voices: "Oh yeah? Name one single vegetable where you have a world speed record." Ha ha! That should shut them up! Although I hear the East Germans are making tremendous progress with rutabagas. Our next news item is: o New Jersey Man Shoots Computer. An alert reader named Bob Ingraham sent me a news article from The Echoes- Sentinel in Somerset County, N.J., which states that a man named Michael A. Case was arrested at home after firing eight bullets from his .44-caliber revolver into his IBM personal home computer. These were not just any bullets, either: These were your hollow-point "dumdum" bullets, which, as you sportsmen know, give you the kind of "stopping power" you need when you're up against a product backed by the world's leading manufacturer of data-processing equipment. Lt. Donald Van Tassell of the Passaic Township police told me that Case was not very specific about his motive: "He said he just got mad at his computer and he opened up on it." I was unable to reach Case, but I want to state, on behalf of all the computer users in the world, that we are behind him one million percent. If we have reached the point in this country where a man does not have the right to bear arms against his own computer, then we might just as well pour New Improved Liquid Drano on the US Constitution. Although at this point it hardly matters, because the o Earth Is Threatened By Termite Flatulence. I found out about this from Claire Martin, a Denver Post reporter on the Cutting Edge of journalism. She located a scientist named Pat Zimmerman, who - I swear I am not making this up - has traveled all over the world measuring termite flatulence, and has concluded that termites may be responsible for half of the methane gas in the atmosphere, and that the rate of termite emissions is increasing so rapidly that they could change the Earth's climate, and we're all going to die. (He didn't actually state that last part. That was my conclusion.) So, I am urging all of you to proceed with whatever emergency procedures your state or local government has established for Termite Flatulence Alert situations. Me, I am going to try to get this tomato crud out of my hair. ------- 8 Dec 87 Steven E Harari Life & Lollipops... --56 chars; More?-- Where did George Washington keep his armies? ------- 8 Dec 87 Steven E Harari More Life, But No Lollipops... --32 chars; More?-- In His Sleevies!!! ------- 8 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick , Xmas --5240 chars; More?-- Holiday Joy - Or, the Great Parking Lot Skirmish by Dave Barry [ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Dec. 6, 1987 ] Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. And, so, we park and clamber joyously out of our car through the windows, which is necessary because the crack Mall Parking Space Size Reduction Team has been at work again. They get out there almost every night and redo the entire parking lot, each time making the spaces smaller, until finally, they are using, say, a Jell-O box to mark the width between lines. "Let's see them fit in THERE," they say, laughing, because they know we will try. They know that, if necessary, we will pull into the parking space balanced on our two left-side wheels, like professional stunt drivers, because we are holiday shoppers. I do not mean to suggest that the true meaning of the holiday season is finding a parking space. No, the true meaning of the holiday season is finding a sales clerk. The way to do this is, look around the store for one of these unmarked doors, then burst through it without warning. There, you will find dozens of clerks sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and whimpering from weeks of exposure to the holiday environment. Of course, as soon as they see you, a shopper, they will bolt for the window. This is why you must carry a tape recorder. "Hold it!" you shout, freezing them in their tracks. "I have a tape recorder here, and unless somebody lets me make my holiday purchases, I'm going to play 'Frosty the Snowman.'" Cruel? Inhuman? Perhaps. But you have no choice. Because this is the holiday season, and you have to buy thoughtful gifts for all of your Loved Ones, or they will hate you. Here are some helpful suggestions: Gifts for children: To find out what children want this year, I naturally called up the headquarters of the Toys Backward "R" Us Corporation, which, as you parents know, is now larger than the Soviet Union. I talked to a spokeswoman, who told me that last year the corporation's net sales were $2.4 billion. (I assume she meant in my immediate neighborhood.) The spokeswoman told me that one of the hot toys for boys this year, once again, is the G.I. Joe action figure and "accessories," which is the toy-industry code word for "guns," as in: "Don't nobody move! I got an accessory!" The little boy on your list can have hours of carefree childhood fun with his G.I. Joe set, engaging in realistic armed-forces adventures such as having G.I. Joe explain to little balding congressional committee figures how come he had to use his optional Action Shredder accessory. Another hot item is Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future, a toy system that - here is a coincidence for you - is featured on a Saturday-morning TV show. The heart of this system is an electronic accessory that the child shoots at the TV screen to actually kill members of the Bio Dread Empire. The spokeswoman did not say whether it also would work on Geraldo Rivera. For little girls, the toy industry is once again going way out on a limb and offering a vast array of dolls. The big news this year, however, is that many of these dolls have computer chips inside them, so they can do the same things that a real baby would do if it had a computer chip inside it. Some dolls even respond according to the time of day. In the morning, they say: "I'm hungry!" In the evening, they say: "I'm sleepy!" And late at night, when the house is dark and quiet, they whisper into the child's ear: "I think I hear Mr. Eyeball Plucker in the closet again!" Gifts for grownups: I don't want to get too corny here, but I think the nicest gift you can give a grownup, especially one you really care about, is not something you buy in a store. In fact, it costs nothing, yet it is a very precious gift, and one that only you can give. I'm talking about your parking space. ------- 8 Dec 87 Chris M Mauritz Ghost from the past...:-) --8831 chars; More?-- 6-May-87 02:37:31-EDT,8779;000000000000 Mail-From: EN4.WC-TOPOLSKI created at 6-May-87 02:37:28 Date: Wed 6 May 87 02:37:28-EDT From: Chester Subject: True equality To: BBOARD.OPINION@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU . 226 Norman Ave., #3 . Brooklyn, N.Y. . 11222-3605 Message-ID: <12300130980.20.EN4.WC-TOPOLSKI@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU> Chris: Personnal attacks will get you nowhere. I figured you'd have learned something after being victimized yourself, but apparently you're too dense. I'm talking about large nationalisation of private capital. By that I mean government takeover of all businesses with assets in excess of 5 million and confiscation of private liquid property (shares, money, etc) in excess of say $100,000 per one adult. Frozen assests such as homes could similarly be either rented from the government if excessive in price or given to the concerned party to be held in trust. Something as radical as this will not happen overnight. Yet it must happen if the "rich" are to survive beyond the next 150 years or so. In France it's already happening though the pace is dissapointingly small. It will happen in the US, people like you notwithstanding. Let me tell you why: 1) Rich people did not "earn" that money. Nobody can "earn" over $100,000 per year. They've just been able to use their influence to extract more money from the middle class. 2) The distribution of wealth is totally unfair. The President makes $200,000 per year plus bonuses. The Chairman of General Motors makes $10,000,000 per year. Is that fair? What kind of a message is being sent out? 3) The rich do not need all that money. They simply reinvest it to make more. They do not contribute to the nation's growth or innovation. There are over 10 MILLION AMERICANS who're starving. I feel that they have a legitimate need. 4) The upward mobility of the people in the US today is almost totally non-existant. About the only chance to "strike it rich" is to play Lotto. 5) The rich do not have any sacred right to the money. While they were hoarding their ill gotten gains the poor were workin too. Why then don't they have all that dough? Because they weren't getting paid as much, weren't in the United states at the time or lost family members to imperialistic wars. 6) The rich are using money to control politics. It takes about 10 million dollors to RUN for president. Limits the choice a bit much don't you think? 7) Regarding point #5... There is no such thing as putting value on human labor. I know many people who sweat all day and only get paid $5/hr. Compare this to a stockbroker who invests stocks and makes $500,000 per year. Did he earn that money? I think not. Society is controled by the rich. It rewards the rich. There's no way to break free from this viscious cycle except through political agitation and the formation of a workers party. 8) I could go on... but I don't feel that it will do you much good. You obviously want to inherit megabucks so as to get a headstart on the competition. In fact you already got that head start. I wonder if you'd be at Columbia if your parents were making only $4.50/hr? Human misery does not bother you. Oh well. However the reality of the Socialist phnomena does bother many capitalists. They recall the early 1900's when America was turning red. That time will come again, and it will come soon. To forestall that event these guys have instituted the concept of financial aid to appease the masses. That's why I'm here. But I remember where I come from. What I dispise is the ruling class' attempts at splitting the poor. Ultimately though that will fail. Now to amuse myself I shall look at your posts... :-) >Why don't all us rich folks just donate all are money to charity and starve >for a while? Good idea. When the Soviets seized power in 1917 they weren't even that generous with the parasites. >Would that please you, Chester? You are full of it, man. 10 million Americans are starving because of these self-same innocent rich. 10 million are unemployed. Another 6 million have been unemployed for so long they're not even counted. Prostitution is rampant. Drugs. Need I go on? >My family got what they had by earning it. Are you suggesting my family didn't work, you twerp? My native country was torn apart by imperialist slime. Whatever my ancestors build was destroyed. Finally Hitler finished off 20% of the populace. Do you know what that means? The goods that are there now are recent. America on the other hand has been exploiting other countries. It's hard to give things back isn't it? > When my grandparents came here from Hungary in 1910, they were fucking poor, But they came here. They were admitted primarily because they were white. They were given jobs. Many recent immigrants don't have those opportunities. It's harder to survive let alone get wealthy. You can afford to be generous. Many can't. Besides---as Christ put it, it will make your way to heaven that much easier if you part with your purse... :-) > but through their hard work and the hard work of succeeding generations, my > family has accumulated a bit of wealth. How much wealth? If under $100,000/person than fine keep it. But in that case why defend the megarich exploiters. If over that amount I can understand why I upset you. >Everyone has the opportunity to earn this wealth and I'm not about to let some >socialist asshole like you take it away. Not everyone has the same opportunity. Blacks for instance on the average do not. Or Chicanos. Of course you won't "let socialists" take it away. But you'll be forced to sooner than you think. >I'm sick of the "have-nots" bitching at the "have's" beacause they are >fucking jealous. I'm not jealous. I do not covet the money. I just feel that it can be better used elsewhere. Many socialists have been "haves", idiot. > Use your education and get a Goddamn job! I will. And I will use that job to spread socialism. You see an idea is a hard thing to kill even with all the money that the rich have been pouring into discrediting the left and harrasing them via the FBI and CIA. > Moaning and groaning about how poor you are when you have the >opportunity to change your plight is just plain stupid. Stop whining and >grow up! I refuse toi be rich when fellow human beings are starving. I'll bitch till that comes to an end. Frankly you should thank God that all I'm doing is bitching. >Chris (capitalist till the end) Not much longer than... >You are such a self-serving hypocrite (spelling?). You bitch about the >disparity between the rich and the poor, but you choose to do nothing to >help yourself. But I am doing something. I'm getting an education and sowing the seeds of change. Frightens you doesn't it? Last place you expected to find a socialist was an engineering school, no? Just because I didn't like the CBSC you thought I was safe, huh? But when I showed my teeth you slunk away like a cur... >You are going to forsake a high paying job as an engineer to protest the > "evils" of society. High paying? HAHAHHA. And no I'm not going to forsake the job. I feel I can do much good by keeping it. The measly money will come in handy. You see, I really believe that my enginnering will help all mankind. It's unfortunate that I'm a rare breed nowadays. >Why did you bother getting and engineering education in the >first place? To help the poor and all mankind. I was gifted in that field. To each his own. > If the plight of the poor was one of your main concerns, >why didn't you become a social worker or something like that? Because I wanted them to see that a Socialist can be anybody. >You are so inconsistent! I'm not perfect. But at least I feel that I'm doing the right thing. Willi: >"DON'T BE SELFISH , GIVE IT TO ME ! " > ANCIENT MOTTO OF LITTLE KIDS AND LEFTISTS Yeah... the Soviet leadership has $1 million between all 100 of them. Really. I xpected better. Jerry, Bravo for speaking your mind. Don't try to play it safe like Chris. Ed, >so I have learned how to tell what he means behind his words. Not always... >The point is that everyone does get the amount that was initially de- >termined from the FAF. Bull. >It works the same way for scholarships that can only be given to students >with high GPA's. Double bull. I won't argue over it Ed 'cause it's late. But financial aid leaves something to be desired. Chester ------- ------- 10 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick Presidential campaign --4685 chars; More?-- BARRY BARES IT ALL ON CAMPAIGN TRAIL by Dave Barry My fellow Americans: Since that unforgettable day back in April or possibly July when I announced that I was willing to be president of the United States, a number of alarming developments have occurred: o The stock market crash has reverberated around the world, setting off a frightening and seemingly uncontrollable chain reaction of boring newspaper articles. o Geraldo Rivera got his own television show. o President Reagan has taken to appointing people virtually at random to the US Supreme Court, an indication that he has lapsed still further into what we like to call his "hands-off" management style, to the point where his aides no longer trust him to make any statements that he thought up himself. In fact, at the most recent presidential press conference, the aides actually brought a helicopter INSIDE the White house press room to drown out the president by going WHOPPA WHOPPA WHOPPA. Not that I am criticizing him, I am not criticizing anybody these days, because I realize that, as a leading presidential contender, I will be subjected to intense media scrutiny into the lurid details of my own personal life. And please don't try to tell me that you don't want to know the lurid details of my personal life, OK? Don't tell me that you wish the darned media would for gosh sakes Focus on the Issues. Because I have been around the news game long enough to know what people really want the media to focus on. People don't come into their offices and say to their co-workers: "Hey! Did you see the story explaining where the Republican presidential contenders stand on the issue of tuition tax credits?" No, what people say is: "Hey! Did you read where Pierre S. du Pont IV was once arrested for stealing a brassiere?" EDITOR'S NOTE: The preceding was intended as a purely hypothetical example of the kind of lurid detail that people like to read about. We wish to stress that, to the best of our knowledge, Mr. du Pont has never been arrested for stealing a brassiere. As far as we know, he got clean away with it. The result of this intense media scrutiny is that the candidates have been scurrying around disclosing things about themselves before the press finds out about them. This has resulted in some very inspirational campaign oratory: MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Ladies and gentlemen, the next president of the United States! CROWD: (applause) candidate: THANK YOU! I USED TO SMOKE POT! CROWD: (applause) A number of leading political figures, including "Tipper" Gore (ha ha!), have admitted that they used marijuana, although they all stress that (1) it was a long time ago and (2) they deeply regret it. This second part is very important, because as the former hippie generation gradually takes over the world, it will become very difficult to find any politician who didn't at least TRY marijuana, so the candidates will have to compete on the basis of who liked it the least: BRUCE BABBITT FOR PRESIDENT "He Only Had Four Tokes" Or: VOTE FOR ALBERT GORE "He Tried It, But Threw Up" As a leading contender, I realize that I must "come clean" about my own past, before some nosy reporter locates the skeleton in my closet and lets the cat out of the apple cart, thus spilling the beans all over the can of worms that will break the camel's back. So here is my confession: Back in the 1970's, I did something that I am now very, very ashamed of. The only explanation I can offer is that a lot of other people were doing it at the time, although I realized this does not justify what I did. I am talking about: disco dancing. I deeply regret this, and I swear that I now have much more integrity. I hope that you, the voters, will find it in your hearts to forgive me and send me large cash contributions in exchange for being appointed to high-level federal jobs. We still have a few openings in the Cabinet. << From the Billings Gazette, Billings, Montana, 11/29/87 >> ------- 10 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick , twelve days --7105 chars; More?-- [ To get you into the Christmas spirit...] ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 14,1981 Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge and a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1981 Dearest John, Today the postman brought your vey sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 16, 1981 Dear John, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must really protest. I don't deserve such generosity - French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist - you've been too kind. Love, Agnes ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 17, 1981 Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now, really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 18, 1981 Dearest John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my Love, Agnes ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 19, 1981 Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please Stop. Cordially, Agnes ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 20, 1981 John, What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 21, 1981 OK, Buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows. There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass. Agnes ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 22, 1981 Hey, Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 23, 1981 You Rotten Prick, Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you. One who means it. ^L Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 24, 1981 Listen, Fuckhead, What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of these broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes ^L Law Offices Badger, Bender, and Cahole 303 Knave Street Denver, Colorado December 25, 1981 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole ------- 15 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick Dorothy Parker --6729 chars; More?-- Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" %% This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it. -- Dorothy Parker %% A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. All tenderly his messenger he chose; Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- One perfect rose. I knew the language of the floweret; "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." Love long has taken for his amulet One perfect rose. Why is it no one ever sent me yet One perfect limousine, do you suppose? Ah no, it's always just my luck to get One perfect rose. -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" %% Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; I'm Salome, moon of the East. Here in my soul I am Sappho; Lady Hamilton am I, as well. In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. I'm all of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book. -- Dorothy Parker %% If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. -- Dorothy Parker %% If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. -- Dorothy Parker %% In youth, it was a way I had To do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad, To suit his theories. But now I know the things I know, And do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" %% Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. -- Dorothy Parker %% My own dear love, he is strong and bold And he cares not what comes after. His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, And his eyes are lit with laughter. He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. My own dear love, he is all my world -- And I wish I'd never met him. My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, And a wild young wood-thing bore him! The ways are fair to his roaming feet, And the skies are sunlit for him. As sharply sweet to my heart he seems As the fragrance of acacia. My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- And I wish he were in Asia. My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway or the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him. -- Dorothy Parker %% Life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporania; And love is thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania. -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" %% Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad -- Still behold me at your side. Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care, Say the devil touched my tongue, Still you have my heart to wear. But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" %% She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance %% That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. -- Dorothy Parker %% The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. -- Dorothy Parker %% The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light; They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints... So far, I've had no complaints. -- Dorothy Parker %% There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the provence of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- Would you kindly direct me to hell? -- Dorothy Parker %% The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. -- Dorothy Parker %% By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing and he vows his passion is infinite, undying -- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" %% The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." -- Dorothy Parker %% Drink and dance and laugh and lie Love, the reeling midnight through For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.) -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" %% Lady, lady, should you meet One whose ways are all discreet, One who murmurs that his wife Is the lodestar of his life, One who keeps assuring you That he never was untrue, Never loved another one... Lady, lady, better run! -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" %% The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- Scratch a lover and find a foe! -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" %% My soul is crushed, my spirit sore I do not like me anymore, I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, I ponder on the narrow house I shudder at the thought of men I'm due to fall in love again. -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" %% The man she had was kind and clean And well enough for every day, But oh, dear friends, you should have seen The one that got away. -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" %% Where's the man could ease a heart Like a satin gown? -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" %% A girl's best friend is her mutter. -- Dorothy Parker %% Every love's the love before In a duller dress. -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" %% Everything's great in this good old world; (This is the stuff they can always use.) God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; (This will provide for baby's shoes.) Hunger and War do not mean a thing; Everything's rosy where'er we roam; Hard, how the little birds gaily sing! (This is what fetches the bacon home.) -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" ------- 17 Dec 87 Steven E Harari Let's try to make these last postings REALLY worthwhile... --7493 chars; More?-- Here goes... An old Jewish lady is walking along the beach in Florida. She sees a man sitting on a bench, not unattractive, but very pale. She says, "Mister, vy you so pale?" He responds, "I've been in prison for 50 years." "50 years! My, such a long time! Vyfor you vere in for so long?" "I murdered my wife...with a... a....chainsaw." "You're single?" (say with great Jewish inflection) It seems that this young street kid meded his ways and entered the ministry(non-denom).After his first sermon he asked the elder minister what he thought of the sermon.The older fellow said,"well you could relax a little.Have a martini before you step out to preach the next evenings sermon it will help to ease the tension". The next evening the younger preacher had a martini or two or three and afterward the older preacher approached and said: "You were just a little too relaxed.You shouldn't slur your words,you shouldn't refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. and finally Daniel slew the lion,he didn't f**k him up!" If young prostitutes use vaseline what do old prostitutes use? POLYGRIP !!! A seedy looking guy walks into a bank, and sits down at a ladies desk. She gives him a funny look, and says sarcastically "Can I help you". Yeah, he says "I want to open a f**cking bank account. "You keep talking like that, and I will call the manager". "Call who you want, I want to open a fu**ing bank account. She calls the manager. "What is the problem ?' the manager asks. "no problem, I just want to open a *u*kng bank account!!" the man yells. The manager says "Calm down or I will call security" "Call God if you want, I just want to open a fuc*ing bank account!!!!!!!. The security guard comes over to see what is going on. "Whats all this then?" he asks. The seedy guy is pretty annoyed and yell "LOOK ASS*ole, I JUST WON 19 MILLION DOLLARS IN THE LOTTERY AND I WANT TO OPEN A *UCKING BANK ACCOUNT. The manager pauses a moment and says "And this Fu**** whore wont help you???!!!?? Have you heard about the new "ReaganWriter" typewriter? It's a standard electric typewriter, but it's missing two things... A MEMORY and a COLON!!! Hyuk, hyuk, gag, barf, ACK, An Irish priest was driving erratically down a county road in Dublin, taking corners on two wheels and skidding all over the pavement. An alarmed constable finally pulled the good father over and smelled his breath. "Father, you're drunk!" said the constable. "Oh, glory be," answered the priest, "What a relief. I thought the steering was broken." Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren't for Jesus WE'd all be Jewish. My brother and his wife shared their apartment with a parakeet named "Nicky." The exterminator was scheduled to come, so my sister-in-law put Nicky in the spare bedroom and hung a sign on the door: "Please skip this room. Do not open door. Pet flies." The exterminator came. On his receipt was this comment: "Finished all of the apartment except room with pet flies." An elderly priest is walking through Central Park whn he sees an angelic little girl, blond curly hair and blue eyes, in a little white lace dress, playing with a very cute little dog under a tree. He walks over to the girl, and says, "Hello, little girl. What's your name?" The little girl says, "My name is Blossom." The priest says, "Oh, what a beautiful name. How did you come to be named Blossom?" "Well," the little girl says, "seven years ago, when I was still in my mommy's tummy, she was lying right under this tree, when a cherry blossom fell right on her stomach. She decided that if she had a baby girl that she would name her Blossom." The priest says, "Oh, how sweet," and starts to walk away. He comes back and says, "By the way, what's your dog's name?" The girl answers, "Porky." "Why is that?" "Because," she says, "he likes to fuck pigs." What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah"? About three inches. What's the dumbest part of a man? His dick: it's got no brains, its best friends are two nuts, and it lives next door to an asshole. What do soybeans and dildos have in common? They're both meat substitutes. A naive young priest is transfered to a parish in a bad neigborhood of New York City, and is quite bewildered by the many hookers who constantly approach him to whisper, "Ten bucks for a blow job, buddy." Finally, he can stand being in ignorance no longer, and he goes over to a nun at the parish. "Excuse my presumption, sister," says the young priest, "but can you tell me what a blow job is?" The sister replies, "Ten bucks, just like anywhere else." What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing. He won't come when you call anyway. What is the definition of mixed emotions? Seeing yor mother-in-law backin off of a cliff in yor brand new Mercedes. Did you hear about the latest over-the-counter scare? Someone put Krazy Glue in Preparation H. How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose? her ankle swells up when she farts!!! As the cashier totaled the customer's items, the cashier asked, "Do you wish to charge?" The customer looked at the amount and answered, "No. I think I'll just surrender quietly." These boys were sitting on the curb just passing the time of day and they noticed plenty of men going in and out of a particular house.As one man passed by they asked him what was going on and he said that for five dollars you can have a very nice time.The kids counted their money and between them they had only twenty five cents.One of the kids volunteered to go up and he rang the doorbell and asked the lady who answered if he coul have 25 cents worth.She said sure,raised her skirt and said,"have a sniff kid,thats 25 cents worth".When the kid joined his friend the friend asked him how it was and the boy replied: "It wasn't bad at all but I couldn't stand five dollars worth of that" A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present. "Who is the most obedient, never talks back to Mother and does everything he or she is told?" he asked. There was a silence, and then a chorus of voicess: "*YOU* play with it, Daddy!" Three visitors from outer space ambled down the street, each stretching his four legs and waving his six arms in the air. A tailor, standing in the doorway of his shop, saw them coming. "Quick," he yelled to his partner, "take down that 'Alterations Free' sign!" The National Institutes of Health has decided to use lawyers instead of rats as experimental subjects. Three are three good reasons for this: 1-Rats are in scarce supply, while lawyers are not; 2-They didn't want the experimenters forming emotional attachments to the experimental subjects; and 3-There are just some things that rats won't do. Reminds me of the time when these doctors went sailing with a lawyer and the boat capsized in shark-infested waters. After the horrible ordeal, only the lawyer remained as a survivor. When asked why the sharks left him alone, the lawyer replied, "Professional Courtesy." What would Princess Grace be doingif she were alive today? Scratching at her coffin!(HA!) Why does Gary Hart love Japan? He loves to eat rice in bed. heeehahahahahohohaheehahoooahahahahehhohoho! {sound of huge sigh} ------- 17 Dec 87 Steven E Harari , Gary Hart --218 chars; More?-- So what's the story with Gary Hart? He's in... He's out... He's In... He's out... Isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place? Rumor has it that he's making Donna Rice his Head Secretary. :-) ------- 18 Dec 87 JCMA@AI.AI.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc COBOL A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work. --3296 chars; More?-- Date: Fri, 18 Dec 87 09:57:22 EST From: bfox@wheaties.ai.mit.edu (Brian Fox) Message-Id: <8712181457.AA02771@rice-krispies.ai.mit.edu> To: jcma@wheaties.ai.mit.edu Subject: How about this? The following appeared in the September 1986 issue of "SIGPLAN Notices" (Volume 21, number 9): Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1 With such a large selection of programming languages it can be difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand, most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles. Assembler - A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and expensive to maintain. FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road. FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford. FORTRAN 77 - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts. COBOL - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work. BASIC - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one. PL/I - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two- tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield C - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler). ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car. Pascal - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectuals. Modula II - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch. ALGOL 68 - An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone can drive it. LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available. PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept-cars. Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles. FORTH - A go-cart. LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn. APL - A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek. Ada - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for the generals, it's good enough for you. Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the design specification are starting to clear up. 19 Dec 87 jfw@nc.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc, From the Journal of Irreproducible Results --2123 chars; More?-- (Sept/Oct 1987, Vol 33 Nr 1, Page 4) ADA* The Devil's Work Herman Higgins Laurel, MD Recently, while taking an ADA course, a view-graph was shown that said: "...they have all one language; and this is only the beginning of what they will do; and nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them, Genesis 11:6".[1] I am somewhat curious by nature and when I got home I looked up this quote. I read the whole verse and then the next, 11:7. It said: "Come, let us go down, and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another's speech." God was speaking. God did not want man to have a common language. The Devil, always looking for ways to cause trouble, has found a way after all these centuries to confound God's wishes. ADA was developed. ADA has been gaining popularity an an international language. If it continues to gain support all the nations of the world will be able to communicate with one another and thus shall be disobeying the Will of God. The Devil loves this. He, through his minions,[2] has created an unholy alliance of men who use this abomination called ADA. This alliance will eventually bring down the wrath of God upon mankind and his works, much to the delight of Satan. Not only that, but since a common language is a first big step to that most dreaded of instutitions, a One World Government,[3] we will all suffer mightily for their sins. What can we do? What can we do to save ourselves? We must abandon this devilish language, cast it out to the pit of obsolescence, remove all those who would save it, and return to the more Godly languages our fathers knew, i.e. machine language, LISP, and APL. Amen. * Copyright Department of Defense [1] Revised Standard Version of The Bible [2] It is probably unfair to class the Pentagon, in general, and its lieutenant, the French company that created ADA, as minions of the Devil, but I will here. [3] Spelled C-O-M-M-U-N-I-S-M. [Editor's note: Well, now it is revealed that by maintaining info-cobol, we are doing God's work!] 22 Dec 87 Peter Saviz --420 chars; More?-- MERRY CHRISTMAS better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | grep bad || good for (goodness sake) { be good } 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick , mall movies --4684 chars; More?-- Rudeness Epidemic Takes Total Toll at Mall Movies We're at the movies. We're in one of those modern shopping mall "cinema complexes" where each individual theater is the size of a Pez dispenser, which means it is very difficult to avoid sitting near the Loud People. They're always there. One theory is that they actually live in the cinema complex, bearing live offspring and feeding themselves by hacking off chunks of the inch-thick layer of old Raisinets coating the floor. As soon as we sit down, a herd of Loud People lumbers up behind us and begins to discuss the incredibly complex problem of where everybody will sit. This keeps them busy all the way through the opening Short Feature, which years ago consisted of Heckle and Jeckle engaging in comical stunts but now consists of a public-service announcement wherein Clint Eastwood tells us, in a stern voice, not to use crack cocaine. (Easy for him to say. He's not sitting in front of the Loud People.) We know from experience what will happen next. What will happen is that we will experience each scene from the movie twice: once when it appears on the actual screen, and once when the Loud People, whose brains operate on a 10-second tape delay, comprehend it. If, for example, the villain, in a shocking and dramatic moment, suddenly pulls out a knife, and the camera moves in for a close-up, so that the entire screen is filled with a knife the size of a 1967 Buick, there will be a 10-second pause, and then one of the Loud People will say: "He has a knife." Or maybe: "What is that? A knife?" So we decide to move to seats that are closer to the screen, which turns out to be foolish because it puts us near the Teen-agers, who, in terms of their grasp of basic theater etiquette, make the Loud People look like the royal family. It is not their fault. Due to raging hormonal imbalances over which they have no control, their entire social hierarchy undergoes a complete transformation every four minutes, requiring all 137 of them to change seats immediately. We occasionally catch glimpses of the screen in between the teenage bodies lurching back and forth, sometimes getting stuck in the Raisinets. And now, rising above the din, is a new sound, coming from a person who is standing near the screen and carrying on a lengthy and friendly conversation with people, who, to judge from this person's voice level, must be in Nova Scotia. We strain to see, between Teen-agers, who this person is; imagine our suprise when we realize that it is: the usher. It is a chilling moment, similar to the moment experienced by the heroine in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" when she discovers that everybody, even Donald Sutherland, has been taken over by the pod creatures. Suddenly we see that we are not in a situation where a majority of basically polite people are being inconvenienced by a few louts; we are in a situation where, as far as we can tell, everybody else in the theater is rude. This kind of thing is happening more and more as a result of the International Rudeness Epidemic, which scientists now believe started in France, and which has been worsening rapidly. I myself have tracked its growth via the simple research technique of holding doors open for people walking behind me. Years ago, almost everybody would say, "Thank you" and I would say, "You're welcome." Then a lot of people stopped saying "Thank you," and I compensated by saying "You're welcome" anyway, in a loud and brutally polite voice, which would cause some of them to become sheepish and say, "Thank you." Then they stopped becoming sheepish and started making obscene gestures. Now many of them don't even bother to do that. We have reached the point, in the International Rudeness Epidemic, where people have gotten too rude even to give you the finger. So we find ourselves hunched down in our theater seats, trapped in the middle of Expo JerkFest '87. We are, quite frankly, terrified. We decide to try to make a break for it. Our plan is to walk brazenly up the aisle, laughing and burping real loud so nobody will notice us, then sprint for the car. We're just about to make our move when the theater doors burst open. Our eyes are momentarily blinded by a tasteful flash of light, and then, standing in front of the screen, we see: Miss Manners. She reaches into her purse, which is of course exactly the color of her shoes, and pulls out: Clint Eastwood's gun. "What is that?" says one of the Loud People. "A knife?" ------- 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick dubious achievments --5269 chars; More?-- >From ESQUIRE magazine's annual "Dubious Achievement Awards": During five days of testimony, Rear Admiral John Poindexter said "I don't recall," or some variation thereof, 184 times. During two days of testimony, Attorney General Edwin Meese said, "I don't recall," or some variation thereof, 187 times. Denying having previously misled Congress, Assistant Secretary of State Elliot Abrams said, "I never said I had no idea about most of the things you said I said I had no idea about." After telling the Tower Commission that he had approved the sale of arms to Iran in advance, and then testifying two weeks later that he hadn't, President Reagan wrote a letter saying, "The simple truth is, I don't remember -- period." Life magazine revelead that the late CIA directory William Casey "chewed on his tie and drooled so copiously that his phone mouthpiece had to be cleaned daily." During his face-to-face meeting with world leaders in Venice, President Reagan read his lines from index cards. President Reagan referred to the bombed warship, the U.S.S. Stark, as "the plane." Denying reports that President Reagan is increasingly out of touch with realitiy, Senator Alan Simpson (R-Wyo.) said, "I even saw him do a cowboy dooldle the other day, and I haven't seen him to that in years. He used to do that when he was in his prime..." Why am I the first Kinnock in a Why is it that Joe Biden is the first thousand generations to be able in his family ever to go to a univer- to get to university?... Was it sity?... Is it because our fathers because our predecessors were and mothers were not bright? Is it thick?... Was it because they were because they didn't work hard, my weak, those people who could work ancestors who worked in the coal eight hours underground and then mines and would come up after twelve come up and play football, weak? hours and play football?... It's ... It was because there was no because they didn't have a platform platform upon which they could stand. upon which to stand. --- Neil Kinnock, May 1987 --- Josepeh Biden, August 1987 Claiming ignorance about details of the arms sales to Iran, Vice-President George Bush explained, "I didn't attend the meeting where that was brought up. I was off at the Army-Navy football game." After forty years in solitary confinement at Spandau Prison, Rudolph Hess hanged himself. Spam celebrated its fiftieth anniversary. TV evangelist Oral Roberts, who claimed that God told him he would die if he didn't receive $* million in donations: "I need some very quick money," Roberts said. "I mean, I need it now." A new compact disc of Lawrence Welk's "Polka Party," issued by Welk Enterprises, accidentally contained the punk-rock sound of track to the movie "Sid and Nancy." On a visit to Israel, New York archbishop John Cardinal O'Connor said the Holocaust "may be an enormous gift that Judaism has given the world." Actress Ally Sheedy said, "If someone's not into being a vegetarian, they might be working out some karma, meatwise." "This column is about a large bunch of wonderfully hideous marine iguanas, some herds of sea lions, a few penguins and how meeting them gave me the most exhilerating sensation in decades of travel. Even if you do not particularly care for animals do read on because psychic and social significance are lurking lower down." --- A.M. Rosenthal, "On My Mind" column, New York Times, Feb. 19, 1987 Discussing the situation in South Africa, Eddie Murphy said, "I t!ink there should be bloodshed for two or three days. Then I think they should just party the rest of the week." Fawn Hall was fined ten dollars for refusing to stop eating a banana in the Washington, D.C., subway. "I am not a bimbo..." --- Jessica Hahn, Playboy interview Fawn Hall told Barbara Walters that her involvement in the Iran-contra scandal "made me realize that probably I'm a lot deeper person than I thought I was." "Jim has very seldom seen me without makeup, and hardly ever in my life without my eyelashes." --- Tammy Faye Bakker In his autobiography, "L.T.: Living on the Edge," New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor said he had cured his cocaine addiction by playing golf. "There is a lot more to written about Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran and President Ortega of Nicaragua but this seems precisely the moment to write about Joseph Papp of New York." --- A.M. Rosenthal, "On My Mind" column, New York Times, Aug. 14, 1987 At a conference on drugs in sports, former Maryland basketball coach Left Driesell said, "I'm a firm believer that, if you know how to use cocaine properly it can make you play better... I really believe cocaine can be performance enhancing." Michael Jackson's album "Bad" opened with the lyric, "Your butt is mine." ------- 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick , churches --1227 chars; More?-- >From Forbes magazine, November 16, 1987: SOME MIS-SPEAKS BY SPOKESMEN OF THE LORD Sentences, as they sometimes come out from the typewriters of those in the service of the church, read as though the devil had done them. To wit, these, which actually appeared in church bulletins: "This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends." "Wednesday, the ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, 'Put Me In My Little Bed' accompanied by the pastor." "Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet with the minister in his study." "The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water.' One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in." "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon." "On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper." ------- 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick , disney world --5417 chars; More?-- DISNEY WORLD JUST DRIVES YOU 'GOOFY' Kids Accelerate the Process by Dave Barry It's a Sunday evening, and we're driving home from Orlando, Fla., where we have taken our son, Robby, and his friend, Erik, for a special birthday weekend of fantasy and fun and hurling money at random around the official Walt "you WILL Have Fun" Disney Magical World of Theme Kingdoms and Resort Complex. We're taking what the American Automobile Association has designated as the "scenic route" back to Miami, through south-central Florida, a region that used to cater primarily to frogs but that has in recent years sprouted dozens of "adult" (which we used to call "retired person") communities with names like Belle Harbour Vista Manour Downes Estates Centre West II, consisting of what we used to call "trailers," and later we called "mobile homes," and still later we called "manufactured houses." I don't know what we call them now. Probably something like "countrie townehome villas," as in: "Hey Ed! Lester's cow knocked over your countrie townehome villa again!" We've been driving for three, maybe eight hours. In the back seat, the boys have finished writing on their forearms with Official Walt Disney World souvenir felt-tipped markers, and are now passing the time with a little game they have invented with their soaring childhood imaginations: spitting on each other. Ptooo, goes Robby. Ptooo, goes Erik. Ptooo, goes Robby. This little game of saliva tennis is clearly audible in the front seat, but Beth an I, the Parental Authority Figures, say nothing. We are both thinking the same thing: At least they are taking turns. That is how low we have sunk on this car trip. We frankly would not mind if they were back there shooting a high-powered rifle out the window, as long as they shared it. But, of course, they wouldn't. "No fair!" Robby would shout. "Erik got three shots and I only got two but he won't give me back the rifle!" And Erik would say, "But Robby hit the farmer and I didn't hit anybody!" And Robby would say, "You did too! You hit the policeman!" And Erik would say, "Only his hat!" And finally one of us Authority Figures would whirl around and snap, "If you can't share the rifle, we're going to take it away and then NOBODY WILL BE ABLE TO SHOOT ANYBODY." We always get irritable like this when we return to harsh reality after a couple of days in Walt "You Are Having Some Fun Now, Yes?" Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight. This happens to you constantly at Disney World. I think it's part of a corporate discipline program for Disney executives. ("Johnson, your department is over budget again. You know what that means." "No! Please!" "Yes! Into the Goofy suit!") We saw a lot of Goofy. Every time we sat down to eat, there he would be, acting whimsical. It got so that Robby and Erik, busily playing with their action figures, hardly even noticed him. "Look, boys!" we would say, food dribbling down our chins. "Here comes Goofy! Again!" Robby, not even looking up, would thrust one of his figures toward Erik and say: "This guy sends out a laser beam that can MELT YOUR EYEBALLS." "Oh yeah?" Erik would say. "Well THIS guy makes a noise like, mmmmmmPAAAAAAH!, that goes in through your ears and EXPLODES YOUR WHOLE HEAD." Meanwhile, right behind them, encased in a heavy costume, this poor person, probably the executive vice president for group sales, would be writhing around, trying desperately to fulfill the boys' innocent childhood fantasies. Finally we grown-ups would have to let him off the hook. "Ha ha, Goofy!" we would say, speaking directly into the salt shaker, which is where we figured the microphone had been hidden by the Walt Disney World Whimsy Police. "You sure are causing us to laugh with delight!" Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The restrooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy folks!" and actually seem to MEAN it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that there would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all the residents of southwestern Nebraska into a giant freezer with a huge picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been thawing them out as needed ever since. Whatever the secret is, it works, and I urge you all to visit Disney World several dozen times. Afterward, I recommend that you drive down to Miami on the "scenic rout," although if you notice two boys, ages 6 and 7, standing on the side of the road spitting at each other, my advice is not to pick them up. ------- 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick year in review --19815 chars; More?-- Year in Review by Dave Barry Reprinted without permission from the Worcester Telegram and Gazette, 12/27/87. (This article appeared in the Sunday Telegram on the front page, under the headline: "Nation Secured Blessings of Humor in '87") January: 3 - Oral Roberts tells his followers that unless they send him $4.5 million by the end of the month God will turn him into a hypocritical money-grubbing slimebag. 5 - In response to growing pressure from the United States, the government of Columbia vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the cabinet. 8 - The Federal Aviation Administration announces that, in response to a routine questionnaire, 63 percent of the nation's air traffic controllers stated that their primary career goal was "to defeat the forces of the Planet Wambeeno." 10 - In the ongoing war against the federal deficit, the Reagan Administration submits the first-ever trillion-dollar budget. 14 - In New York City, officials of the Justice Department's Organized Crime Task Force announce that Anthony "Grain Embargo" DiPonderoso and Jimmy "Those Little Pins They Put in New Shirts" Zooroni have agreed to enter the Federal Nickname Exchange Program. 16 - In his first press conference since 1952, President Reagan asked by reporters to comment on persistent allegations that he is "out of touch", responds: "Thanks, but I just had breakfast." 18 - The People's Republic of China announces that "Deng Xiaoping" means "Big Stud Artichoke." 21 - The Audi Corp. is forced to recall 250,000 cars after repeated incidents wherein parked Audis, apparently acting on their own, used their mobile phones to purchase stocks on margin. 26 - President Reagan tells Iran-Contra scandal investigators that he "might have" approved to sale of arms to Iran. 28 - In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to "Jordan". A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining civilians are taken hostage. 30 - In Washington the IRS unveils the new, improved W-4 form, which is such a big hit that the experts who thought it up are immediately put to work on developing a policy for the Persian Gulf. February: 1 - A new policy requiring random drug testing of all airline pilots runs into a snag when nearly half of the Delta pilots are unable to hit the specimen bottle. 3 - In the ongoing war against the federal budget deficit, Congress gives itself a pay raise. 4 - The United States yacht Stars and Stripes recaptures the coveted America's Cup when the Australian entry Kookaburra, is sunk by a Chinese-made "Silkworm" missile. The U.S. Sixth Fleet steams toward the troubled region with orders to "form humongous targets". Liberace goes up to the Big Candelabra in the Sky. 7 - Famed Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward reveals that, in a secret hospital interview, dying entertainer Liberace revealed that Woodward's upcoming book, "Veil", would be "a real page-turner". 8 - True item: Sen. Lloyd Bensten, chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, sends out a letter telling lobbyists that for $10,000 apiece, they can attend monthly breakfasts with him. 9 - Rep. Arnold LaTreece announces that for $15,000 apiece, lobbyists can kiss him on the lips. 10 - George Bush announces that he is available for $12.50. 11 - President Reagan tells Iran-Contra scandal investigators that he did not approve of the arms sale to Iran. 15 - George Bush reduces his price to $3.99, including the souvenir beverage mug. 17 - In Columbia, police arrest Carlos Lehder for jaywalking and discover that his pockets contain 1,265,000 pounds of cocaine. Lehder claims to have "no idea" how it got there. 19 - Mario Cuomo announces that he doesn't want to be president and immediately becomes the Democratic front-runner. 20 - George Bush announces that *he* doesn't want to be president either. 22 - Andy Warhol goes to the Big Soup Can in the Sky. 23 - Panic grips the nation as a terrorist group seizes 150,000 new, improved W-4 forms and threatens to send them to randomly selected Americans through the mail. 24 - President Reagan announces that he cannot remember whether he approved the sale of arms to Iran. In a quotation that we are not making up, the president tells White House reporters: "Everybody that can remember what they were doing on August 8, 1985, raise your hand". 26 - Famed Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward reveals that, in a secret hospital interview, dying artist Andy Warhol revealed that Woodward's forthcoming book "Veil", would be "available in bookstores everywhere". March: 3 - Comedian Danny Kaye dies moments after granting an interview to Bob Woodward. 7 - In the widening scandal on Wall Street, the heads of three major investment firms rob a liquor store. 13 - Non-candidate Mario Cuomo, carrying out his normal duties as governor of New York state, meets with the heads of state of England, France, Norway, Sweden, and Germany. 15 - A barge loaded with garbage sets out into the Atlantic under the command of explorer-author Thor Heyerdahl, who is seeking to prove his theory that South America could have been discovered by ancient mariners sailing from Islip, L.I., in crude garbage barges. 18 - The SMU football team in suspended from inter-collegiate athletics when NCAA investigators, after taking urine samples, determine that the school's leading rusher, majoring in communications, is a horse. 23 - The SMU horse is drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs. 24 - A place called "Chad" defeats Libya in some kind of war. This really happened. 27 - In what is hailed as a major arms-race breakthrough, U.S. and Soviet arms negotiators in Geneva agree to wear matching outfits. 30 - In an illegal industrial waste dump somewhere in Louisiana, lightning strikes two adjacent putrid pools of festering corrosive toxic slime, setting of chemical reactions that cause the pools first to bubble, then slowly, horrifyingly, to solidify and pulsate upward, gradually forming themselves into shapes that, in the ghastly light of the flickering electrical storm, appear almost human. "Hi!", they shriek cheerfully, into the swampland emptiness. "We're Jim and Tammy Faye!" April: 1 - Speaking in unison, an estimated three dozen congressman, all of them age 43, all of them blond, and all of them named "Dick", announce that they are seeking the Democratic presidential nomination. 3 - In the Persian Gulf, Iranians attack the Islip garbage barge, but are driven off by courageous flies. 6 - Non-candidate Mario Cuomo, in the pursuit of his normal gubernatorial duties, reaches a tentative pact with Soviet arms negotiators. 13 - True Anecdote: In National League baseball action, the Atlanta Braves' Dion James hits a ball that would have been caught easily, except that in midair it strikes and kills a dove. 14 - In Colorado, Gary Hart declares his candidacy for the presidential nomination, making the official announcement while standing in front of a dramatic backdrop of soaring mountains, towering pine trees, and four Miami Herald reporters disguised as rhododendrons. 15 - The lifeless body of Atlanta Braves player Dion James is found under an enormous mound of dove droppings. 16 - President and Mrs. Reagan release their tax returns. 19 - The IRS sends back the Reagans' tax returns, gently pointing out that you're supposed to fill them out. 22 - Crack U.S. counterintelligence agents in Moscow begin to suspect that the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow, constructed by Soviet labor, might be bugged, when one of them sneezes in the ambassador's office and six chairs say, "Gesundheit". May: 2 - Late night on a quiet Washington street, four Miami Herald reporters emerge from a mailbox and confront Gary Hart. Knowing that the voting public does not wish to read squalid details about a candidate's personal life and would much prefer that the media focus on The Issues, the reporters question Hart relentlessly about his view on monetary policy. 3 - Like a raging unquenchable forest fire, the Gary Hart story sweeps across the nation, as voters are consumed by a burning need to know more about the candidate's monetary views. Rumors abound that Hart, at various times in his career, may also have had views on a number of other issues. 4 - The Hart story becomes so hot that issue-oriented Phil Donahue devotes a show to it, canceling the regular weekly appearance of the sex-change lesbian surrogate-mother nude-dancer ex-priests. 5 - The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Se. Daniel Inouye doing his hilarious two-hour impersonation of a 78 rpm record being played at 33 rpm. 6 - An angry Gary Hart is forced to withdraw from the race after word leaks out that The Washington Post has obtained documented evidence that he once proposed tying the prime rate to the Index of Leading Economic Indicators. 7 - Citing alleged "bisexual activity", officials of the Assemblies of God Church vote to have Jim Bakker defrocked. Then they hastily vote to have him frocked again. 16 - Rita Hayworth dies moments after confiding to Bob Woodward that his forthcoming book, "Veil", would be out "just in time for Christmas gift-giving". 17 - The U.S. Navy frigate Stark is attacked by an Iraqi jet, which, under our extremely clear Mideast policy, causes us to prepare for violent confron- tation with Iran. 29 - 19 year old German Mathias Rust, flying a single-engined Cessna airplane, manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach Red Square in Moscow, where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta Air Lines flight en route from Pittsburgh to Cleveland. 30 - Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes. June: 2 - True Item: In the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings, the committee learns that a country named "Brunei" contributed $10 million to help the Contras, except Fawn Hall or somebody typed a wrong number, so the money ended up in the Swiss bank account of a total stranger. This helps explain why, despite all the elaborate assistance efforts with secret codes and passwords and everything, the only actual aid ever received by the Contras was six-month trial subscription to Guns and Ammo. 7 - "Brunei" receives 314,324 urgent personal mail solicitations from TV evangelists. 8 - In the most dramatic Iran-Contra testimony to date, Fawn Hall, played by Farrah Fawcett Majors, testifies that, as Justice Department investigators closed in, she and Oliver North stayed late in their White House basement office and "colorized" a number of classic black-and-white films. 22 - Fred Astaire dies in the arms of Bob Woodward. 29 - In Wimbledon action, John McEnroe kills a line judge and is given a stern warning. July: 4 - The Hormel company marks the 50th anniversary of Spam in festivities featuring a full-size, fully functional suspension bridge constructed entirely out of the popular luncheon substance. 7 - The central figure in the Iran-Contra hearing, Lt. Col. Oliver North, becomes an instant folk hero when, with his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits, before a worldwide TV audience, that he is very patriotic. 9 - Oral Roberts reveals that he can raise the dead. He is rushed to the White House. 11 - The Iran-Contra hearings reach their dramatic peak when Lt. Col. Oliver North, his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, makes a sweeping patriotic hand gesture and knocks over his bottle of Revlon Eye Glistener. 15 - The giant Citicorp bank announces that it has agreed to forgive Mexico's $56.3 billion debt in exchange for 357.9 gazillion chickens. 18 - In Hollywood, plans are formulated for a major motion picture based on the Oliver North story, starring Sylvester Stallone as North, Fawn Hall as herself, and Helen Keller as the president. 21 - The discovery of "superconductors" - materials that offer no resistance to electricity even at relatively high temperatures - creates a worldwide stir of excitement among the kind of dweebs who always had their Science Fair projects done early. 24 - In the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings, the committee hears two days of dramatic testimony from Mario Cuomo, who explains that he has decided to stay out of the presidential race so he can fulfill his obligations as governor of New York. 27 - Officials at the National Zoo in Washington are saddened by the death of the tiny infant cub of rare giant pandas Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing, who are described as "distraught" by their close friend Bob Woodward. Edwin Meese is linked to the Lincoln assassination. 30 - In Moscow, the Embassy spy scandal deepens when it is learned that for the past 6 years, the "wife" of the U.S. ambassador has in fact been four male KGB agents wearing what State Department officials describe as "a very clever disguise". August: 3 - Political activist Donna Rice, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity, sells her story to ABC television. 6 - As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called - "Contra". The way it works is, there are two soldiers on the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them. 10 - The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines jet. 16 - On the 10th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, tens of thousands of fans gather in Memphis to hear Bob Woodward discuss his final moments with the bulging superstar. At the same time, thousands of other people gifted with the "New Age" consciousness celebrate the Harmonic Convergence by picking at their strait-jacket straps with their teeth. 22 - Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential race. Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert. 25 - In what is hailed as a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court decides, by a 7-2 vote, that you cannot count three oranges as one item in the Express Checkout Lane "unless they are all in the same package". 27 - Georgia Sen. Sam Nunn announces that he doesn't want to be president. Cuomo challenges him to a debate. 28 - In the Persian Gulf, tensions mount as a U.S. gunboat engages in a scuffle with actor Sean Penn. September: 1 - The FAA, responding to consumer complaints, issues tough new rules under which airlines are required to notify passengers "within a reasonable period of time" if their plane has crashed. 8 - Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, "Men Are Scum". 9 - In Washington D.C., ground is broken for the $25.4 million Presidential Polyp Museum. 12 - In the ongoing hearings, Sen. Joseph Biden pledges to consider the Bork nomination "with total objectivity", adding: "You have that on my honor not only as a senator, but also as the prince of Wales." 21 - Pro football players go on strike, demanding the right to "have normal necks". Negotiations begin under the guidance of mediator Mario Cuomo. 28 - Tensions ease in the Persian Gulf as a Delta Air Lines flight, en route from Boston to Newark, successfully lands on the U.S. carrier Avocado. October: 8 - Three Hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating that Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has "a weenie beard". 15 - In an effort to establish that she is not a bimbo, Jessica Hahn appears nude in Playboy magazine. We are pretty sure we must have made this item up. 22 - As the stock market is brought under control, major brokerage firms run expensive prime-time TV commercials reassuring the public that this is a good time to get back into the market, prompting the public to wonder how come these firms didn't spend a few bucks last week to warn everybody to get the hell *out*. 23 - The Senate rejects Bork. President Reagan, informed of this by his aides, angrily responds: "Who?" 25 - The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that the federal speed limit should be raised on highways going through boring or ugly areas, so drivers can get through them quicker. "In Indiana, for instance," the committee says, "it should be 135 miles per hour." 29 - The Minnesota Twins win the World Series. President Reagan, as is the custom, calls up manager Tom Kelly and nominates him to the Supreme Court. November: 1 - In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit, House and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers. 8 - Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, large chunks of his scalp falling off, angrily demands that the U.S. do something about "acid rain". 12 - In continuing media coverage of the Character Issue, presidential candidates named Bruce "Dick" Babbitt and Albert "Dick" Gore Jr. state that they have tried marijuana, but no longer use it. "Now we just drink gin till we throw up," they state. 13 - George Bush reveals that he tried to smoke marijuana, but nobody would give him any. 17 - In Geneva, the final obstacle to a superpower summit is removed as the U.S. negotiators agree not to notice the mark on Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev's forehead. 22 - In ceremonies marking his retirement as secretary of defense, Caspar Weinberger is presented with a pen-and-pencil set, built by General Dynamics Corp. for $352.4 million. 30 - In a pre-summit public relations gambit designed to show that he is a normal human, Mikhail Gorbachev is interviewed by Tom Brokaw, who, clearly nervous, addresses the Soviet Leader as "Premier Forehead Mark". In Washington, Gov. Mario Cuomo formally lights the national Christmas tree. December: 2 - In a widely hailed legal decision, the judge in the bitter divorce dispute between Joan Collins and Peter Holm orders them both shot. Mikhail Gorbachev appears on "Jeopardy". 5 - In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Eastern Airlines announces that its domestic flights will operate without engines. "Most of them never take off anyway," explains a spokesman. 8 - In Washington, the long-waited U.S.-Soviet summit meeting gets off to an uncertain start as President Reagan attempts to nominate Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev to the Supreme Court. 9 - The summit concludes on a triumphant note as, in the culmination of 10 years of negotiations between the superpowers, Gorbachev and New York Gov. Mario Cuomo sign a historic agreement under which both sides will move all of their mid- and short-range long-term strategic tactical nuclear weapons 150 feet to the left. 12 - Michael Jackson, angered over persistent media reports that he has had extensive plastic surgery, strikes a People magazine reporter with one of his antenna stalks. 15 - Under pressure from the U.S. to reduce the trade deficit, Japanese auto manufacturers agree to give their cars really ugly names. 18 - Playboy magazine offers Tammy Faye Bakker a record $1.5 million if she will promise never, ever to pose nude. 23 - Motor Trend magazine names, as its Car of the Year, the new Nissan Rat Vomit. 28 - Cleveland declares war on "Chad". 31 - The year ends on a tragic note as a Iowa farmer backs up his tractor without looking and accidentally kills an estimated 14 blond 43-year-old Democratic presidential contenders named Dick. Knowledgeable observers suggest, however that this will have little impact on anything. ------- 29 Dec 87 straz@MEDIA-LAB.MEDIA.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc When it's raining cats and dogs... --1519 chars; More?-- Boston Globe, Dec 29, 1987, page 3: "What saves falling cats? Maybe it's belly flops" Associated Press NEW YORK - A cat's ability to land on its belly - not its feet, as folklore has it - may explain why only three of 132 felines who fell from great heights were dead on arrival at a veterinary hospital, and why more than three-quarters recovered. In a study of more than 22 cats that dropped more than seven stories, only one died, according to the Journal of the American Veterinary Association. The cat that took the longest plunge - 32 stories - walked away with only chest and lung bruises and a chipped tooth. Of the 132 cats whose cases were studied, three were killed and the owners of 17 others elected to have them put to sleep, even though veterinarians told them their pets could be saved. Of the remaining 112 who were treated, 90 percent recovered. The cats, taken to the Animal Medical Center in New York over a 5 month period in 1984, fell an average of 5 1/2 stories. [...] In an interview, the article's author, Dr. Wayne Whitney, stressed that no one knows exactly how a cat breaks its fall. But he said it appears the falling cat is able to quickly spread its legs. ----------------- [n.b. - Perhaps the vast majority weren't dead on arrival, since nobody bothered to bring in the dead ones! This research has, however, revealed one valuable insight: if you want to be thorough, you should saw off your cat's legs first so it can't break the fall.] 29 Dec 87 SAZ@AI.AI.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc, cat humor --516 chars; More?-- I recall a humorous (?) cartoon from a college humor rag: There's this really high bridge with two guys standing on it; the one is saying to the other: "See? I told you they always land on their feet!". The humor is that on the ground below them is this cat with a disgusted look on its face; the careful observer of the cartoon notices next that the bones of the cat's "shoulders" are poking out a good couple of inches through the skin which would normally be encasing them... sick but true saz 31 Dec 87 RAY@AI.AI.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc Why Prague? (from the December 1987 Harpers) --917 chars; More?-- (The following story, told by a recent visitor from Czechoslovakia, appeared in the September issue of Index on Censorship.) A big businessman from an African country came to Czechoslovakia a few months ago to close an important deal with a state export organization and to see how his son, a student at a Czech university, was doing. In the friendly atmosphere of a farewell party, a high official of the Czech state export monopoly asked him a rather personal question: "Mr. XY, you yourself are an Oxford-educated man. I can't help wondering--why did you send your son to study in Czechoslovakia instead?" "I had two reasons for that," the African businessman replied. "First--it is much cheaper, you know. And second--if I had sent him to Oxford I'm pretty sure he would have returned with his head full of crazy Marxist ideas. I wanted to be absolutely certain this would not happen." 4 Jan 88 jrrauen@ATHENA.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc, A UNIX XMAS TO ALL --486 chars; More?-- - ------- Forwarded Message better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | grep bad || good for (goodness sake) { be good } (by Frank Carey, AT&T Bell Laboratories, 1985) 13 Jan 88 bostic%okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU@ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU@mit-ccc, JOTD --2372 chars; More?-- Entering digest ... The following article is taken from the New Hampshire Business Review under the category of lawyers. This was one of Richard Lederer's columns on Looking at Language. Original date unknown. -------------------------------------------------------------------- ... Exiting digest 14 Jan 88 S Thomas McCormick , world jokes --1703 chars; More?-- Weird Science OBSERVATION: The Wright Brothers managed a first flight of about 120 feet in 1903, achieving a maximu altitude of about 4 feet. Now men can fly twice around the world, or to the moon and back. OBSERVATION: World highjump and polevaulting records are being broken every year, again and agin, and are now many times greater than their earliest recorded maximums. CONCLUSION: The earth's gravity is being used up at a rapidly increasing rate, and is not being replaced. ........................................................................ All of California west of the San Andreas Fault will break off and tumble into the Pacific Ocean sometime before the end of this century, owing to the weight of accumulated National Geographics. ....................................................................... Flattening of the earth at the poles is caused by over-tightening of the two large wing nuts which can be clearly discerned on any tabletop model of the globe. ........................................................................ OBSERVATION: Socks go into the laundry in matched pairs but always come out as uniquely-colored singles. THEORY: Each pair of socks consists of a male and a female. The smell of laundry soap drives them into a sexual frenzy. They mate, after which the female consumes the male; during the spin cycle she gives birth to a litter of lint balls. [*> Do unto others .. then run like hell <*] ------- 14 Jan 88 S Thomas McCormick , tae kwan-do --5298 chars; More?-- Foot, don't fail me now by Dave Barry In what could turn out to be a North American record for boneheaded parental blunders, we have decided to let our son, who is 6, take lessons in Tae Kwan-Do. This is a martial art, something like karate, only it comes from Korea. I think Tae Kwan-Do is Korean for "I shall kick you in the head," because this is largely what you try to do. First you bow to your opponent with deep respect, and then you try to insert your instep far into his or her nasal passages. This builds character and discipline. At least that's the theory we're working under. It sure looked like there was a lot of character being built when we took Robert to the Tae Kwan-Do studio to check it out. There were maybe 30 kids there, bare- foot and wearing those white pajamas; and the teacher, Master Choi, had them completely under control. He never even had to raise his voice. Me, I can't control one child without constantly escalating to ludicrous threats. "Robert!" I am always shouting. "If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to clean this gerbil poop off the coffee table, I am going to take that yo-yo away from you and you will NEVER SEE IT AGAIN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE." Master Choi, on the other hand, merely had to issue a quiet command in Korean, and instantly all 30 students would leap to attention, or bow, or attack the person on their immediate right or whatever. Part of the reason they have so much respect for Master Choi, of course, is they know he can kick them barefooted clean through a Kuwaiti oil tanker. But part of it also seemed to be discipline and character, and since Robert was hot to try, we signed him up. I now realize this could be a major error. I mean, right now our household is analogous to the international situation right after World War II, with America (represented by my wife and me) being the only country with the atomic bomb (represented by being big), which means that the Soviet Union (Robert) is ultimately forced to yield in inter- national disputes, such as what time is bedtime. But with the Tae Kwan-Do lessons, we are handing the Soviet Union advanced laser technology that could upset the entire balance of power. Master Choi has assured us that it's only for self-defense, and I'm sure he is sincere, but I have my doubts. If I knew Tae Kwan-Do, I would go around claiming it was self-defense, but actually I would look for every opportunity to use it in daily life. For example, you know how sometimes you're in an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to a person, always a male, who just has to have control of the armrest? It's an aggressive territorial lust that many males have, dating back millions of years, when territory was important and males were stupid. The male sitting next to you may look like a modern businessman, but deep in his cerebral cortex he is a Neanderthal named Oog who is convinced that if he lets you share the armrest, you will kill him and take his woman. Guys think stuff like this all the time, which is why we have all those boats over there in the Persian Gulf. So anyway, if I knew Tae Kwan-Do, and I was sitting next to a territorial male, I would attempt to share the armrest; but if he shoved my arm off, I would draw back my foot and, with awesome power, shatter his briefcase into thousands of tiny Samsonite pieces. And then I would TAKE HIS WOMAN. Hahahahaha. See what I mean? Even I don't feel responsible enough to handle this kind of power, and I am a grown-up with major credit cards. Lord knows what my son will do. I can just picture our household with Robert completely beyond our control, going to bed at 4:30 a.m. and eating meals consisting entirely of chocolate Easter bunny parts. Of course he has a long way to go. To get a black belt, you have to go through a series of lower-level belts, each signifying that you have mastered a number of difficult techniques. Right now Robert is a white belt, which signifies only that his father has written a check to the Tae Kwan-Do studio. But he's learning fast. When he came out from his first lesson he was so fired up that, right in the parking lot, he gave me an impressive demonstration of his prowess, launching a leaping kick that I'm sure would have had devastating power if his legs hadn't gone out from under him in animated-cartoon fashion such that he wound up in a crumpled little martial-arts pile, crying partly from pain but mostly from the humiliation of being defeated in hand-to-hand combat by a parking lot. I picked him up -- I have a black belt in picking up -- and carried him to the car, and by the time we got home he was a Mean Fighting Machine again. He wore his white belt to supper. He wanted to wear the whole uniform, but we didn't want him to spill Kool-Aid on it. [from WEST (San Jose Mercury News Sunday magazine?), Oct. 25, 1987] ------- 14 Jan 88 S Thomas McCormick nielson ratings --4812 chars; More?-- Rating the TV Shows - However Remotely by Dave Barry [ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Jan. 10, 1988 ] I don't know about you, but I always assumed that TV ratings were based on the viewing habits of people who could easily fit their cerebral cortices inside a standard cold capsule. I based this opinion on such evidence as the extreme popularity of the show "Wheel of Fortune." Every time I tune it in, there's a contestant frowning with intense concentration at a group of letters like "H-A-P-P-Y B-I-R-T-H-D-A-(blank)," then guessing that the missing letter is: "W." Then, the lovely Vanna White, displaying the poise and talent that have made her one of the most respected, if not *the* most respected, game-show women in the Free World, turns over the blank to reveal - Oh no! - a "Y," causing the live studio audience to react with an outpouring of grief of the type normally associated with the loss of a popular family member. The TV-ratings people say a large number of their representative sample households watch this show regularly. So, I figured that the way they selected these households was by looking for people who meet the following criteria: 1. They attend tractor pulls. 2. But they show up on the wrong night. 3. But they stay and watch anyway. Well, I was wrong. It turns out that the ratings people sometimes select highly-intelligent and cultured sample families. I know this because the Nielsen TV Ratings company recently selected my own family, which has always displayed a high degree of intelligence except for the time we deliberately invited an Amway distributor into our home. When you are a Nielsen family, they send you a little diary for each TV set you own, plus something their letter calls a "token" of their "appreciation" - two crisp one-dollar bills. "You may wish to use it to brighten the day of a child you know," the letter suggests. They have a heart as big as all outdoors, those Nielsen people. Every time you watch a TV show, you're supposed to write it down in the diary, and - at the end of a week - you send the diaries back to the Nielsen people, who send the information to the TV networks, which send the Nielsen company, as tokens of their appreciation, dumpsters full of money. "You may wish to use this money to buy yourselves a fleet of Mercedes-Benzes," suggest the networks. I found that one of the benefits of being a Nielsen family, besides the $2, was that it gave me a chance to analyze my own personal viewing habits. In keeping the diary, I discovered that I prefer a category of television programming that can best be described as: "A Whole Bunch of Shows at the Same Time." This kind of programming is made possible through the miracle of remote control, which enables you, if you have cable TV and a quick thumb, to watch, in less than one minute: People committing adultery in designer clothing on "Dallas" (THUMB), a televised Christian giving out his toll-free number (THUMB), hilarious beer spokesdog "Spuds" MacKenzie (THUMB), a person on the 24-hour weather channel giving - I swear - the forecast for the Soviet Union (THUMB), journalist Robin Leach whipping himself into a semisexual frenzy at the sight of a rich person's bathroom (THUMB), people committing adultery in designer clothing on "Falcon Crest" (THUMB), one of the numerous commercials that leave you with the strong impression that American business executives, who once pretty much ran the world, now spend virtually all their time agonizing over what kind of telephones to buy (THUMB), hilarious beer spokesdog "Spuds" MacKenzie (THUMB) (THUMB), Judge Wapner explaining, gently, to a woman plaintiff that perhaps the reason she looks so unattractive in her daughter's wedding pictures is not so much because her dressmaker was incompetent, but more because she is the size of Reno, Nev., (THUMB), clothing designers on "Knots Landing" committing adultery with hilarious beer spokesdog "Spuds" MacKenzie (THWACK), my wife, who hates it when I do this, rendering me unconscious with a wrench. Unfortunately, there was no way to list all these shows in the teensy spaces provided in the Nielsen diary, so I left most of it blank. Anyway, having supplied my input to the TV industry, I now have these two dollars to spend any way I want. I was going to use them to brighten the day of a child I know, but the kinds of things that brighten his day cost a minimum of $79.95, not counting batteries, at the Toys "R," a Humongous Industry store. So, I think I'll buy a beer instead. "Bartender," I'll say, "Give me a bottle of anything that is not represented by popular spokesdog 'Spuds' MacKenzie. ------- 14 Jan 88 rst@Think.COM@mit-ccc, Found on USENET ... --366 chars; More?-- Found on the USENET group soc.singles: ... The social rules are different at cocktail partys and at orgies. For instance, it is usually OK at parties to take photos without permission, but I would dare say Miss Manners would not condone such behavior at an orgy. The question, methinks, is whether cameras would be on her mind at all ... rst 15 Jan 88 S Thomas McCormick , Orange Bowl --4601 chars; More?-- A topical storm at Orange Bowl by Dave Barry Once again, the University of Miami Fighting Storm Systems are poised to win the mythical national championship. Once again, the eyes of a national TV audience will be trained upon the men in orange and green. And once again, the question on the mind of virtually every viewer will be: "Orange and GREEN? Who picked THOSE out?" There will also probably be some interest in the outcome of the game. The Storm Systems are determined to make up for last season, when, despite the fact that they wore soldier outfits and boldly walked out on a ceremonial steak fry, they were defeated in the Fiesta Bowl by the Penn State Certified Public Accountants. But the Systems face stiff opposition this season from another "hungry" team, the University of Oklahoma, whose players have an equally burning desire to win the mythical national championship, because it would mean that they would get invited to the White House, which would be yet another opportunity to get out of Oklahoma. No, all kidding aside, I am sure that Oklahoma is a very fine state, well deserving of its nickname, "The Dirt State." Ha ha! Still just kidding. The actual nickname of Oklahoma is, of course, "The Sooner State," and there is a fa